Missing Juanito

13 months

2011-01-29T12:01:00.000-08:00

Happy 13 months in Heaven sweet baby boy!!! Mommy misses you just as much today as she did 13 months ago. I would do almost anything just to have you and hold you 1 more time! You are such a special little man and I know you are doing so many good things up there in Heaven. I honestly can't wait till the day I get to hold you and see you again. It will be such an amazing day. Give you baby sister big hugs and kisses for me and make sure you do something very special for you 13 month birthday!!!

Luv you buddy!!!

Mommy

Computer crashed.... Feeling like I lost him!

2011-01-27T10:25:00.000-08:00

So a few days ago my work computer crashed. I didn't realize how much I used the dang thing. I called tech. support and they came and picked it up. They are so back logged that it is taking them 2-3 months to repair them and get them back. I was so freaked because I didn't know how I was going to prepare for my upcoming maternity leave. That was the only thing on my mind. Then the tech showed up today with it in hand! I was over the moon. She said she told the repair guy about my situation and he repaired it on the spot!

Then reality hit me.... I LOST EVERYTHING!!! I am still praying that they will be able to recover it. I don't care how long it takes. I had 100's of pictures on that hard drive! The majority I am positive I have back ups of, but there were many of Juanito's name and different pictures that had been made for me that I am not sure if I have a back up of. I feel as if a part of him was lost all over again. Part of his stuff might be lost. Oh I pray that the tech will be able to recover HIS file! I don't care if I have to start from scratch on everything else. I need HIS file to be there and be safe. I need for them to be able recover HIM. I need what I have left of HIM safe!!! I will never make the mistake of not double and triple backing up again. If they can recover my pictures I will make sure to email them and hard copy them!

I JUST HOPE THEY CAN DO IT!!!

Struggling today!

2011-01-22T12:31:00.000-08:00

Today is Adriana's 9th birthday and I want so badly to give her everything her little heart desires. One thing I have learned from losing Juanito is that we can't take anything granted in life and we need to seize every moment. Unfortunately, I have been really sick this week and on IV antibiotics. My ear infections have returned with a vengeance. It is all I can do to take her to see a movie today and buy a cake to cut when her dad gets home from work. I feel so guilty that I can't be the mom I feel like I should be because of my health. Every time I turn around I am sick or feel so horrible that I can't do whatever it is the kids are asking me to do. To top it all off I miss my baby boy today and I know that I will never have opportunities like today to have with him. He will never get to go watch a movie with his brothers and sisters and I. I will never get to watch him blow out the candles or open presents.

A few hours later.....

This day has certainly been a roller coaster of a day and it's not even half way over! I went for a ride and had a good cry. It certainly has helped! I now need to suck it up for a few hours and enjoy some birthday fun with my 9 year old princess!!!

For my winners....

2011-01-18T14:33:00.000-08:00

I have come down with a horrible ear infection and I am on IV antibiotics. It is going to be a few more days before I can get your Juanito's Wish gifts dropped in the mail. I am so sorry I haven't been able to get them out quicker. Life is so hectic!!! Thank you for your patience!

More Giveaways!!!

2011-01-12T14:15:00.000-08:00

Jenna's mom Fran is hold a birthday week full of giveaways!!! Go check her out and give her some love!

Finally Juanito's celebration and Birthday Giveaway!!!

2011-01-04T09:34:00.000-08:00

Can I just say the winter weather this year has been crazy here in Utah!!! I honestly can't believe that we had to postpone everything this long. The kids made Juanito a birthday cake which turned out quite tasty if I do say so myself. We also had to scale down our balloon release by quite a bit =( I had planned on buying a bunch of balloons and writing all of Juanito's angel friend's names on them, but it was just too bitter cold and the 4 balloons we did release didn't float very well. But I know the ones we were able to release my boy was waiting for with open arms. Here are a few pictures from the day.

I'm having issues with being able to upload pictures right now and I didn't want to wait too long for this post, so it will we done with out pictures for the time being. =***(

Ok and now onto Juanito's first birthday giveaway! Thank you so much for being patient and so generously opening your wallets to Juanito's Wish. I had 6 people who donated on or before Juanito's birthday. They donated a total of $65. Which means 65 entries.... YAY!!! I didn't take a picture of the actual keychain that I am giving away, but this is one I found on the internet that looks similar.

Here is how I divided up the entries.

Sarita 1-5

Cesar 6-20

Courtney 21-30

Jen P. 31-50

Phoenix and Rainbow 51-60

Gloria 61-65

Drum roll please....... The winner of the keychain is....

NUMBER 19!!!

Congratulations to Cesar! He happened to be over visiting my husband one night after work when we started discussing Juanito's Wish and the giveaway. He immediately took out his wallet and handed us all the cash he had in there. I was in shock at how he was so willing to help out. I just wish I had one to give all of those who entered!!!

I have made a slight change to the January 10th Giveaways....

Instead of holding 2 or 3 more giveaways I have decided to give everyone who has donated to Juanito's Wish a gift from us! I know most of you gave me your addresses for Christmas and I should still have them. If you do not think I have your address will you please email it to me at jymr05 (at) juno (dot) com.

Thank you so much for the love and support you have given us this past year. I know it has been this wonderful community that has made this journey easier on us. I know through your generosity other baby loss families will also feel you love!

Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Boy!!!

2010-12-29T13:51:00.000-08:00

I had a really nice balloon release planned for today along with cake and ice cream, but Mother Nature had other plans and it is literally snowing slush. Ann suggested making a snowman and some snow angels in his honor, but that didn't work out to well. The snow is too wet. So We will postpone the celebrations until tomorrow or maybe even Friday. I feel bad but I know you understand little guy.

For those of you who want to get in on the giveaway you will have a couple more days to do it. I have decided to give away a digital picture key chain. That way you can always have pictures of your loved ones or angel with you at all times. I will still do some smaller gifts on January 10th as planned, so you still have plenty of time.

Here are some of the pictures fellow BLMs made for Juanito today along with the 100's of Facebook comments. I have felt so loved!!! Thank you so much for all the support this past year!!

1yr ago today

2010-12-28T13:09:00.000-08:00

Today marks 1 year since I found out that Juanito had returned to be with Jesus. On Dec. 22nd I had my big US. His fluid was still low, but everything else looked good. The SCH was nowhere to be seen and he was very active. Our only problem was that he decided to be shy and not let us know the sex. Because my fluid was low they scheduled another US for Dec. 28th and we would once again take a peek and see what we would be having. I arrived at the doctor's office around 12:15 and I had to wait. I wasn't taken back until after 1:00pm. As soon as the tech placed the wand on my belly I knew something was wrong. His fluid was extremely low and he wasn't moving like the week before. I was the one who finally said those dreaded words.... His heart has stopped!!! The tech confirmed it over and over for me. She even came back after telling my doctor and checked again, but there was no heartbeat. I was all alone! I never expected there to be anything wrong and I couldn't get ahold of Juan. He had left his cell in his truck (It took 2 hours to finally get ahold of him.) The first person I told was my dad. I was bawling hysterically and all I could say was the baby was gone. My dad handed the phone to my mom and she hopped into her car and headed up to be with us. My doc immediately took me back and placed seaweed sticks into my cervix to ripen it and sent me home to prepare for the delivery and try to comprehend everything that had just happened.

To this day I am still trying to comprehend what happened and why it had to happen to me. I would never wish this on anyone, but I just wish it didn't have to happen to me!!! I love and miss you so much baby boy!!!

Juanito's Birthday Giveaway!

2010-12-09T08:50:00.001-08:00

With Juanito's birthday fast approaching (Dec. 29th) I thought I should get a post up about it. As all of you know we have started Juanito's Wish in honor of our son. We make and fill memory boxes to donate to rural hospitals for grieving parents. When I had Juanito I had no idea what to expect after his birth. Other than my cousin who lost a baby boy 1 month prior to myself nobody in my family had ever lost a baby to stillbirth. Here in Utah in the larger hospitals there is a program set in place for parents who lose a child. A representative from this organization comes in and takes care of all the parent's needs. Not to mention send them home with tons of things to remember their baby by. This organization took such good care of us and they eased the pain we were feeling at that time. My cousin was not given those opportunities and I never want to have that happen to another grieving mother again, so Juanito's Wish makes and fills the memory boxes to donate to those hospitals who do not have an organization in place.

Here are a few pictures of 2 of the boxes that have been donated so far.

In hopes to raise more money for the cause I have decided to hold several giveaways. I have been given gift cards (Cold Stone Ice Cream, Target, Jamba Juice, Walmart and a few others that are still pending their arival) crafting supplies/scrapbooking supplies and figurines to give away and I can't wait to do so!!! I will keep the giveaway open until January 10th. With all the upcoming holidays I figured that I needed to give a little extra time. One big prize will be given away on Juanito's Birthday for anyone who has entered and the remaining will be done the evening of January 10th.

There are 2 ways to enter for these giveaways.

1. Post about Juanito's upcoming birthday and giveaway on your blog for 1 entry.

2. Make a donation. Every dollar donated equals 1 entry. So $5=5 entries.

There is a Chip In button in the upper right hand column of this blog . It will direct you to Paypal where your donation can be made securely.

Once you have made your donation or blogged about the giveaway please leave me a comment telling me how much you donated or a link to your blog and I will put you in for the entries.

11 months

2010-11-29T10:36:00.001-08:00

11 months ago today I said goodbye to my sweet angel! I still miss him just as much as I did that day. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and wonder what life would be like if he were here. My other kids still talk about him and ask questions too. I love that they haven't forgotten either. Last night Adriana asked if I thought he would be walking by now and I said probably pulling himself up to the couch and I was saddened at the thought of never getting to share in those kinds of memories with my son, but I have different memories with him that I cherish very much.

We celebrated our first Thanksgiving without him this past weekend. I was so nervous about how I would deal with it. I was scared to death about the comments that would or wouldn't be made. My family was great to take into consideration my feelings when asking questions or making comments about different things. They really did a great job at making me feel "better" These next 4 weeks are going to be rough as we go through this holiday season without our baby, but apparently I have an amazing support group out there and I am very thankful to have them. It has been this baby loss community that has gotten me to where I am today.

Only 6 weeks left and I need ideas how to remember him by...

2010-11-18T07:27:00.001-08:00

In just 6 short weeks it will have been 1 yr. since I was forced to say goodbye to my sweet baby boy. To be honest it doesn't feel like it has even been 3 months. It feels like it was just yesterday. All the emotions that have been involved this past year have been the most incredible and intense emotions I have ever felt. Yes I was emotional when I was married and yes I was emotional with the birth or each child, but these emotions are very different and a different kind of intense. I miss my baby boy so much! I really do. I know that someday I will be given the opportunity to be with him and make up for all this lost time, but that doesn't make this journey any less painful. I keep telling myself that there is a plan set in place and that loosing Juanito was part of that plan. I just need to put my trust in God and He will guide me through this plan. So far I have tried to do just that and so far things have gone as smoothly as they possible can for having had to bury my child....

I having been thinking for a long time what I want to do for his 1st angelversary and to be honest the only think I can think of is to somehow raise more money for Juanito's Wish. I really want to be able to expand this cause out to more rural hospitals. I have about 50 boxes ready to fill, but unfortunately Juan's work has really slowed and I am unable to purchase the items to fill, so those boxes are sitting in my cold room waiting to be sent off for more grieving parents. I need thoughts and ideas as to how I can get more donations (Big or small every dollar helps!) coming in to help out this cause. I know that the hospital I sent the first 10 boxes to has had to give out 2 of their boxes. I got word back that the parents were so grateful for the them and I want to continue to bring some kind of peace to grieving parent's hearts. If you have any thoughts or ideas as to how I can do this PLEASE leave a comment and let me know. I already have a donate button on the right side of this blog, but I need help getting the word out.

THANK YOU!!!

10 Months

2010-10-29T07:29:00.000-07:00

Happy 10 months in Heaven my sweet baby boy!!! I honestly can't believe it has been 10 months since we said hello and goodbye all at the same time. This week has been an emotional one to say the least. I love Halloween and it has been really hard no being able to plan out our Halloween with Juanito here. I should have a 6 month old wearing a purple Teletubby costume my mom made for my oldest. It has been a tradition to have each child wear this costume their first Halloween. I wish I had him here with us today to parade him around the school and show him off to all my colleagues and students. I know they would be just oohing and awing all over him. They would be happily passing him back and forth and he would be just a ham for all of them. Then it would be his momma's turn and he would snuggle right down into my shoulder and probably drift off to sleep form all the excitement. But that is only my dream of what I wish could have been. I miss him so much. I know he is in a better place and smiles down on us everyday, but that doesn't make this grief I feel any less. He is a perfect spirit now and I can't wait for the day I will get the chance to hold him again and make up all the lost time. 10 months seems like an eternity, but at the same time, I remember it like it was yesterday.

Little man mommy is so proud of you and I know you are up there doing so many good things. You were such a strong little guy even when your environment was less than perfect for you. I wish things could have turned out differently, but for some reason you were not meant to be here on earth. I think about you on a daily basis and I imagine what you would have looked like and acted like. I can't wait for the day that we can be reunited and make up for all the many days and nights we spent apart. I hope you have a gigantic halloween party with all your friends this weekend.

Keep a close eye on your baby sister. If she is anything like you big sister she needs to have someone keep a close watch on here. I know you 2 are having so much fun and I am so happy for that.

I love you and miss you so much!!!!

My Rainbow Blog

2010-10-12T13:51:00.000-07:00

I know how hard it can be to read about a pregnancy when you are not ready, so I have decided to start a blog for my Rainbow. This will be the last post for a while about my rainbow on this blog. If you are interested in reading about the progress of this pregnancy you can go to myrainbowreflections.blogspot.com

I really want to thank everyone who has supported me through these last 9 months. It has really meant so much to me.

Angels???

2010-10-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

SO I want to hear your thoughts on calling living children angels? Before I lost Juanito I know that I used this label for my living children at times. What parent doesn't? Then I lost him and I learned the true meaning of what an angel is. I am having such a rough time hearing people call their living children angels. It really bothers me. I wish it didn't, but it does. For me the only children that should be able to use the term angel are those that have left this earth too soon and live in Heaven. They are the only ones who should be called angels. What are your feelings on the topic? Does it bother you? Have you been able to get past it? Is it something that will pass for me too? I am just curious.

Juanito's Wish is Being Sponsored!!!

2010-10-08T13:23:00.000-07:00

Jenna Belle's mommy Franchesca over at Small Bird Studio is sponsoring Juanito's Wish for the month of October. A portion of all proceeds she makes from blog makeovers will go to help fund our memory boxes. Fran is so talented and just an amazing person. She designed Juanito's blog for me and did a wonderful job. Please go over and check her out! If you were even thinking about re-doing your blog Fran is the gal for you. Plus you would be helping out a great cause!!!

Bad dreams and my pathology report

2010-10-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

I have been having lots of dreams lately that Juanito was a girl. It has really bothered me. What if he really was and we have been honoring this little boy when we should have been honoring a little girl? So I got brave yesterday and I pulled out the pathology reports. He def. was a boy! There is no doubt about it!!! In big bold letters written in the first sentence was the word MALE! That really made me feel better. I also took my time and read the report. There really was a second hemorrhage/abruption and that was his cause of death. Why I didn't comprehend this when I read the report the first time I don't know, but this time I did. How the heck I didn't die from it, I don't know. Silent abruptions are almost always a death sentence for pregnant women. I did some research and the abruption is probably what caused me to hemorrhage after I delivered too. The clots that had formed broke away and it caused the flood gates to open. The pathology of the placenta showed it was 100% intact, so there was no way it was retained placenta that they had to do the D&C for. Had it just been placenta I would never have had to be packed with gauze for 6 hours afterward. It is so weird how our minds can only deal with so much and I was overloaded with grief when I first got those results. I honestly do understand a lot of medical terminology from my nursing background and it really was not hard for me to interpret, but I just couldn't handle it at the time. I am thankful that I did get up the courage to read that report again. It really did give me more insight to the whole situation.

9 months

2010-10-01T15:48:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has been 9 months since I held my sweet baby boy! Wow 9 months! It seems like it has been so long yet I remember it like it was yesterday. The short time I had him with me was such an amazing time and I would do it all over again just to know I would get to hold him again. I miss him so much, but I know he is up there watching over us. What a special little boy!

I have officially made it through the 3 trimesters of what a pregnancy should be. So, am I cured? Nope! Never! I will never be through this. I guess you can say I am now a newborn learning how to live life. I am back to "normal" Not the old normal, but the new one. This is me. I am forever changed, but I know I can learn to live again. I will slowly enter the infant stage, toddler stage, childhood and so on. I will learn how to make it through this life as I slowly grow.

My 24 hour heart monitor

2010-09-30T09:21:00.000-07:00

I have been having heart palpitations for about 6 weeks and they do not seem to be slowing. I have severe thyroid issues and I all of a sudden was being over medicated. My levels dropped so low that they couldn't measure them. Low thyroid can cause palpitations so we figured that was the cause and lowered my medication. Well I have been on the lower dose and I am still having them. So I went into my doc and they did an EKG. I had this male nurse I had never met and I was a little embarrassed to be almost naked laying on the table. Yes I had a drape, but it sure didn't cover much...LOL. The results of the EKG looked pretty good and I managed to keep my composure. My doc wanted to have me do a halter monitor test just to make sure nothing too serious was happening. I have about 10 of these electrodes all over my chest and abdomen. I honestly do not anticipate this being anything serious. In fact I personally think it may be a form of anxiety. I have had a few panic attacks in the past, but over all I have not suffered from anxiety and I have never experienced heart palpitations. But I have been through a lot of trauma this past year and I know that it could just be manifesting itself. Hopefully we can get some clear cut answers by the middle of next week. For you enjoyment I have posted some beautiful pictures of my chest the the lovely white patches I have been sporting around. My 3rd graders think it is pretty cool that Mrs. Ramirez has white stickers stuck all over her with different colored wires, but they too are worried I am sick, so today for morning meeting I had to explain to them that I am OK and this is just to make sure everything is Ok with my heart.

My lovely patches and of course I own no high neck shirts that will fit me anymore, so I get to show them off!!!

It's amazing that this little device will measure everything they need to diagnose whats going on.

This is the stylish little case I get to wear around my waist. It brings back so many memories of the fanny pack era....LOL!!!

My new blog

2010-09-29T08:37:00.001-07:00

I have decided to start a new blog for my Rainbow. At this point I am just trying to get my journal entries posted from when I first found out I was expecting till now. It is kind of a slow process because life is hectic. The new blog is called Rainbow Reflections. It kind of has a double meaning for me and I guess it just seemed to fit. It is nothing fancy, but it is a place for me to talk about my feelings and update my readers about the progress of this pregnancy.

I just want to thank everyone for your support. This has been such a rough road and without your support I don't think I would be where I am at right now. Like they say hear in Utah I LOVE YOUR GUTS!!!!

100th Blog Post and a special announcement!!!

2010-09-24T07:22:00.000-07:00

I never thought in a million years I would be writing my 100th blog post on a blog dedicated to a son I lost. At this time last year I was about 8 weeks pregnant and looking forward to completing my family. I had many hopes and dreams for the sweet baby growing inside of me and I was unaware that in just a few short weeks my world would be turned upside down. This journey has been so hard, but in many ways so worth it. I miss my baby boy with all my heart and I would do anything to have him back. Through his loss I have developed many great friendships and a wonderful support system. My eyes have been opened to a whole new world that I was unaware of. I have become more compassionate because of his loss and I have chosen to give more of myself through service. I cherish my family so much more and I love myself for the strength and courage I have shown these past 9 months. Life will never be the same for us, but in many ways Juanito has made it better. He has shown as a different way of life and he has taught us so many things. I want to thank him for that.

Although we miss our sweet angel so much, we are excited to announce that Juanito is going to be a BIG BROTHER!!! It is so ironic that at this time last year I was 8 weeks pregnant with Juanito and now I am just a month further along than that with his brother or sister. Sometime in March we will welcome our new addition into our home and I know that Juanito will be there smiling down on us. For the next 6 months he will get to know his sibling and play with them while mommy and daddy try not to go insane with worry. I know Juanito will do his best to keep this little noodle safe, but this is in God's hands now. Juan and I both know that God has a plan for us and this baby and we have decided to just trust in Him.

Just a quick thought: If you have a blog you have dedicated to your rainbow pregnancy will you please leave the link here for me. I plan on starting a blog for my little rainbow and I would love to have links to all the blogs on there. Thanks!!!

The final question before the 100th post

2010-09-23T12:22:00.000-07:00

This one comes from the mommy of 2 angels, Caroline. She asked,

Has losing Juanito changed you as a teacher ? What grade do you teach ?

Caroline, last year was really rough on me. I came back to my 3rd graders just 2 short weeks after I lost him and to be honest I was not ready. I had a team of teachers who were very willing to help out with lesson plans and it was just easier work wise to come back. I was very withdrawn and down. To make things worse we had some teachers who were making the whole school miserable. I developed a very bad depression and I am sure my students could tell. Fortunately I had the most amazing class last year and I absolutely loved them. They stepped up and took care of me. They knew I was hurting and their behavior in class became amazing! They tried harder and they wanted to please me. In a way they saved me. They distracted me enough that I was able to make it through each day. This year on the other hand is a rough group of kids. The socio-economic situation of the majority of my students is very low and so they need extra love and attention. I am more willing to do that for these kids. I have realized that it does not matter if they are not my own children God has sent them to be in my class for a reason and I am going to try and make a difference in their lives. Even if it is just one day and one small difference. So I guess Juanito's loss has made me a more caring person. He gave me something that I did not have before. He is such a special little guy and he definitely has made a huge difference in my life.

Thanks for the question!!!

Question #7

2010-09-21T16:43:00.000-07:00

This question was submitted by Noah's mommy Celia.

Are there certain ways that you choose to honor and remember Juanito that are special to you or unique to you?

Celia I honest don't know if they are unique, but they are important to me. One of the biggest things I have decided and this has been within the last couple of months is that I am not going to worry about talking about him with people. I bring him up in conversations and if someone asks about my children I make sure to include him, even if it is just to say I have an angel in Heaven. I have chosen to honor him by talking about him. It don't care if they know me or not.

Another thing we have done is we have things that remind us about him throughout the house. We have his memorial plaque in a pot with a beautiful plant and his grave flowers in our living room. We have his name portraits hung in special rooms in our house. I keep his memory box on a shelf that we see everyday. My laptop wallpaper is a picture of us at the cemetery with him.

I don't know if this was the answer you were looking for, but I think I am your typical BLM and I do whatever I can to remember him and keep his memories alive. My biggest fear is that someday I will forget. I don't want this pain to ease because that might mean I will lose him. If that makes sense.

Question #6

2010-09-20T07:23:00.000-07:00

This next question comes from Jenna's mommy Franchesca. She asked,

What things throughout your everyday life remind you of your sweet boy?

This is kind of a hard one to put into words for me, but I'm going to do my best! Juan and I hung up 2 very special name portraits of Juanito's name in our bedroom. One is made by you Fran from Jenna's alphabet (I have it laid out across the top of my blog under my header, but the one on our wall is on canvas and looks amazing!!!) and the other was painted by Stephanie ( you can see a picture of it in her gallery.) Every morning I wake up to those 2 portraits and he is the first thing that I think about. I have loved having him there with us as we sleep. It is nice to know that my little angel is watching over me every night. Often times any little green creature ( green birds, green butterflies, green dragonflies, green bugs) will make me think of my boy too. I think he probably would have loved bugs and gross things. He would have caught them in mason jars and brought them in to show me. I'm sure he would have also scared the crap out of me on occasion with the hiding of these "green things" in places we should not keep them too. Other things that make me think about all of my boys are stick horses and little boys in cowboy hats. My hubby is a modern cowboy and he loves to dress his boys in hats and boots. I know without a doubt that Juanito would have been one too. Whenever I see little ones dressed up I can't help but wonder what he would have looked like. I'm sure he would have been just as handsome as my other boys in the house. In fact his memory box has a little cowboy hat on a wooden stick horse burnt into the lid. These are all very pleasant to me an I just love to see them. Of course the occasional surprise of someone writing his name is a lot of fun too.

There are also different things that bug or upset me when they happen in everyday life. We have a few acquaintances that call my husband Juanito and I hate it!!! He is not Juanito! He is Juan. I have told them time and time again that Juanito is our son not my husband but they just don't get it. I have chosen to stay away from them for the time being. I also hate when people tell me that we should have named out 3rd son Juan or call him Juanito because he looks like his daddy. Yes my 3rd looks identical to his dad when his dad was a boy only in light skin, but he is named after his dad. They have the same middle name, which happens to be a family name. But we do have a son named Juanito after his daddy. He just isn't here for you to look at and admire. He's not with us to hear all the comparisons to his big brothers and daddy. He is not going to get that recognition like is big brothers and sister do. I know that none of these people are doing it to hurt us, but it is a very hurtful reminder every time it happens. We only have ONE Juanito in our family and he is very special to us.

Question #5

2010-09-17T07:05:00.000-07:00

This question comes from Jack's mom, Melissa. She asked how did you choose the name Juanito?

In the Mexican culture or at least where my husband is from they are really big with naming children after their parents. Juan (my husband) had always said he wanted to name a son after him. The only problem is that Juan is an extremely common name and our last name is probably just as common. We have had so many problems with the mix-up of identification since we were married that I absolutely refused to do that to my children. Juan was accused of owing the state of Utah several grand for drug possesion charges that were never paid and we had to go to court and have his finger prints taken (which he has to carry with him at all times in case he was ever to be pulled over) just to prove it was not him. We have vehicle registrations from all over the state sent to our house of vehicles we do not own. He has had bill collectors harass him for past due accounts which were not his. Anyway I'm sure you get the picture. So when we found out that our 3rd was a boy I REFUSED to give him the first name of Juan. We did give him Juan's middle name though. After I got pregnant with Juanito Juan started teasing me again that this one was going to be Juan or Juana. Of course I laughed him off and said we will find a name to agree on. We did not know Juanito was a boy until I delivered him. We hadn't even really discussed names. Then one of the nurses from the night shift told us she wanted to make a crib card and name card for us. She asked if we had a name. I just looked over at Juan and said I want to name him after his daddy. So all the paperwork they gave us in the hospital says Juan. I felt it was perfect, but we had a problem. Every time we tried to talk about the baby and we said Juan our other kids were confused and thought we were talking about their dad, so we started to say Little Juan. Then one day one of us said Juanito which is Little Juan in Spanish. It just seemed to fit and that is what he has been known as ever since.

Question #4

2010-09-16T08:21:00.000-07:00

My next question comes form Carleigh's mom Holly. She asked, What is your favorite way to remember your son?

Holly you had to choose a hard one for me. I honestly do not know my favorite way. I LOVE to see his name written places by my fellow BLMs. That always brings a huge smile to my face.

The way that has been the most healing for me has been to have started Juanito's Wish. When my cousin lost her baby boy the hospital she delivered at did nothing for her. No prints, molds, pictures, blankets, name card, certificate of birth...... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! I do not blame the hospital for this and I don't think she does either. They just had not been trained on the different ways they could honor babies for their parents and ease so of the pain with going home empty handed. So with the help of my mom, my cousin and a few other ladies we have set up a program for that hospital and one about 30 miles away. Volunteers have made baby blankets, clothes and micro wraps. I purchased memory boxes, and many items to place in the box and my mom began educating herself and the staff on what they can do for Babyloss families. I was able to donate my first 2 boxes to the hospital about a month ago and I hope to have 8 more ready by Juanito's first birthday (I have posted pictures on the Juanito's wish link.) I will also be going down to the next nurses staff meeting and doing a presentation of Do's and Don'ts, comforting, and share my experience about my loss.

Well now that I have got it all written down, I think this is probably my favorite way to remember him. We are doing good in his name and to me that is the best way to remember him!!!

Question #3

2010-09-15T07:33:00.000-07:00

My 3rd question comes from Sami's mom Lisette. She asked how did you and your husband meet? How has he changed your life?

This is a long one, but I will keep it as short as possible. I was working in a rural hospital here in Utah. I was a single mom at the time and one of my patients came in to deliver a baby. She to was a single mom, so we hit it off. I had been divorced for about a year by then, so I was ready to start dating again. She introduced me to a guy that was from the same town as Juan. We dated some and it was nice to just get out and experience life again. Through some of the gatherings I had seen Juan, but never noticed him as a potential boyfriend. He was just getting out of a 4yr relationship and was pretty torn up. I had enough baggage, so I stayed clear! About 4 months later we all decided to go Latin Dancing. Juan lived about 2 hrs away from our small town in "the big city" so we chose his house as the meeting place before heading out for a night of dancing. I was sitting on the couch by my friend when Juan walked through the front door. He worked construction, so he was dirty and covered in cement. It was so funny, because he came through the door stopped and turned towards me and just started. He never said a word. Just stared at me. When he finally broke his gaze and left to go shower I leaned over to my friend and told her that someday I was going to marry him. She thought I was crazy! Dancing was a blast. I danced with several of the guys, but every time Juan asked me to dance you could just feel the chemistry between us. Fast forward a month to our first official date on Jan. 5th. We knew there was going to be something special between us, but we never knew how quickly it would grow. We of course did the long distance dating thing. I would come up to his house or he would come down to mine on the weekends. We spent hours talking on the phone and there were weeks that I couldn't stand it, so I would drive the 2hr drive in about 1 1/2 hrs to just see him for the evening. I would have to get up early the next morning and drive back down to go to class, but it was worth it. Five months after our first date we were married!!! I finished my associates degree and moved up to the big city to be with him. I wish I could say and we lived HAPPILY EVER AFTER..... But we have had some very sad times in our marriage. One thing I do know though we have lived very madly in love the last 10 years!

Now for the second part of the question...... I don't know if I can say Juan has changed me, but I think we have changed as a couple. We almost function as 1 rather than 2 separate people. We are always there for each other regardless of the situation. We have been through some really rough times together and there may be times that I don't think we will ever be able to pull through and then somehow we do and we are so much closer and stronger for it. We have evolved so much over the past ten years and I am so thankful I have him by my side each and every day!!!

Question #2

2010-09-14T08:01:00.000-07:00

This question comes from Antoinette, mommy to Alyssa. Her blog is private, so sorry friends no snooping allowed. Where is your favorite place to vacation, and where would you have taken Juanito for his first trip?

My favorite place to vacation is Mexico. I love it there. I have visited Cancun, Mexico City, and most of the state Jalisco. My husband is from a small town called Cofradia de la luz. It is about 2 hours outside of Guadalajara. I love to go down and just hang out with family and friends. Well and going to news places is pretty fun too.

I have a tradition with my kids that just before their 2nd birthday I take them down to meet the family. Once they turn 2 you have to pay for 2 plane tickets you know....LOL! It is just us 2 out to have a good time and bond with Juan's family. We would have had small family vacations before hand, camping trips, over nighters, weekends with my family, but Juanito's very first big vacation would have been to go to Mexico with his mommy. It's hard to think we won't be able to do that, but next time I go I will take a piece of him with me and leave it there, so he can always be a part of that special trip with me.

Thanks Ann for the question. It was a very good one!!!

Question #1

2010-09-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

Sarita Boyette was my first to respond to the question post and her question is: How has blogging helped your heart after Juanito's passing? I know it has helped me tremendously, even just to read what other's have to say on their blogs.

Sarita that is a very good question. I was a family blogger before I lost Juanito, so I was very familiar to the blogging scene, but I do not have any friends IRL that have lost babies. That is until 1 month prior to me losing Juanito a cousin of mine lost a baby boy around 18 weeks (Megan you can correct me if I am wrong.) So I figured that I needed to leave my family blog as a family blog and make a blog just for Juanito. It would not be fare to my other children if I allowed this grief to take away from those I have here with me. One day one of my readers left me a comment with URls to a few babyloss blogs and from there my eyes were opened to a whole new world. There were 100's of women who were just like me and knew exactly what I was going through that blogged about it. I could ask questions, get feedback on situations and just plain know I was not alone. It has helped to have a place just for me to vent and talk about my loss openly. Well and to know that those reading understand me. They know how difficult this is and they are not quick to judge in this world. Things that are not normal in the "real world" are completely normal here and that has helped so much. So Sarita I don't know if that is the answer you are looking for, but in all honesty blogging has saved my life. It has been the therapy I have needed.

P.S. I am still in need of some more questions!!!

100th blog post very near.....

2010-09-11T18:35:00.000-07:00

So as I near my 100th blog post I am going to play the same question game that many of my fellow blogger friends have played. Leave me a question as a comment and I will be honest and answer it. It can be about anything you would like to know about me or my family (lets keep it clean though....LOL) For my 100th I have a very special post I have been working on that I hope my readers will enjoy. I know from reading other friends blog questions that this a a fun way to reach that milestone.

So let the questions begin!!!!!

Am I going crazy????

2010-09-10T20:37:00.000-07:00

I found a website that makes real life babies for babyloss moms. The price depends on the kits you use, but she is so willing to work with you. I want one! I know that Juanito wasn't far enough along to be able to make an exact replica of him, but all of my kids have been very similar in size and characteristics. The only difference was Mitch came out as my white boy. I want to send in newborn pics of my other kids and have a baby made in memory of Juanito. Am I going crazy? Is it weird that I want to try and crate a doll that I think would have looked like him? I just want to be able to hold a baby in my arms and know that this is what he could've/would've looked like. Maybe it's going a little too far, but I still want one. What do you as fellow babyloss moms think? Am I going too far? Is it morbid of me? Am I crazy... OK don't answer that one because I already know the answer...LOL

I just want some advice and thoughts from my friends!

A good day and exciting news

2010-09-10T09:20:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up in a good mood! Things seem to be just right! Nothing has changed, but I just have a good feeling about today. Maybe it's that it is Friday and I get to spend 2 days with my family. Maybe its that I had a good nights sleep. Maybe I have just decided that it is time to think positively. I don't know but I will take it!!!

Juan and I have also been asked to be Godparents yet again. We really are very excited and it is such an honor. It will take place on Nov. 7th. Her mom is a single mom and it was such an honor for her to choose us because if anything was to happen to her we would be responsible for her daughter's wellbeing. We already have 2 Godsons and 3 Goddaughters. We have been asked to baptize another little girl sometime next year. I just LOVE my Godkids! I think of them as my own. I always said I wanted a lot of kids and in a way it's going to happen. I may not be able to raise them in my home, but I will get to have a big part in there lives.

Life is just good today!!!

Moving On....

2010-09-07T13:14:00.000-07:00

This might sound horrible, but do any of you ever just want to move on because you are just so emotionally exhausted? That is how I am feeling today. I feel very lost with where I am at these days. I don't feel like I belong to any one group any more and that is very confusing! I just want to move on and not have to worry about anything or have to be the voice for my son who died, so people will remember him. I just want to move on from all these bad things that have happened to me and "forget" them. I know I can never forget my son or the short time I had with him. I love him too much for that, but today I just want to move on!

When it rains it pours

2010-09-02T16:20:00.000-07:00

I just got home from work and found out that my husband's work has slowed down so much that they hardly are going to work. He was off all last week and will be off next week if his boss can't win bids on some jobs. Granted I am stable for the year, but unfortunately my salary doesn't pay all the bills. I wish we could just get a break from it all!!! We need some good things to come our way. I just want everything to work out and for us to be happy again. I honestly wouldn't care if we lost everything if we could just be happy!!! I'm just very frustraited with the direction things have gone lately. Hopefully good things can start to come our way!

Is it not enough?

2010-08-31T15:43:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like your best is not enough? Well that is exactly how I am feeling right now. I'm doing the best I can right now with the cards I have been dealt. It has only been 8 months since I had to say goodbye to my son. I returned back to work only 2 short weeks after I lost him. I managed to keep it together for my family, my friends and my students. I hardly ever had break downs in front of anyone and I've managed to do this with out the help of therapy. But lately I feel as if people expect more from me. I have returned back to yet another year of teaching. I arrive to work at 7am and I don't leave till 5pm. I go home, I make dinner, spend quality time with my kids and then I am beat! I can't do anymore. I have to go to bed. My friends are wondering what has happened to me, my husband is wondering when his wife will return and I still have a million things I need to get accomplished around my house and at work.

Just so everyone knows I am doing the best I can!!! Sorry house if you don't get scrubbed as often as you would like. Sorry Juan if we don't get as much alone time as you would like. Sorry friends if you don't hear from me as much as you would like. Sorry work I think 10 hours a day is enough! Just know I am doing the best I can right now!!! I promise I haven't forgotten about you and I will make up for lost time, but right now I am just trying to stay afloat!!!

THAT IS THE BEST I CAN DO RIGHT NOW!!!!

8 months

2010-08-30T07:50:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write this yesterday, but my sweet hubby decided that he just needed to spend some quality time with me this weekend and he forbid me from using my computer. It has been 8 long months since I held my precious son in my arms. I miss him so much! It feels like it was just yesterday that I was laying in the US room and I asked/told the tech that he was gone. I knew right away. I had seen enough US in my life to know that he was gone. All she could do was hug me and tell me she was sorry. Well and all I could say was it was OK. It really wasn't Ok. I had just lost my son, but I didn't know what else to say. Juan and I had to enter that very room just this last week. It brought back so many emotions and I had to tell Juan step by step what happened. It was so helpful for me to be able to do that. I have been able to talk more about everything with Juan lately and he has been so supportive. I know he doesn't want to relive it, but I need to get it off my shoulders. He has been such an mazing help with it all lately. I miss my baby boy more than anyone will ever know, but I have found a renewed hope. I know without a doubt that God is going to bless us with a beautiful and healthy rainbow. I know that everything is going to work out. A rainbow will never replace my sweet Juanito, but it will help with the healing.

Mommy, wants you to know that I miss you so much, but I know that you are giving me the courage to move forward and carry on sweet baby boy. Protect your future baby brother of sister and let them know that I am patiently waiting for the day that they will come into our lives. You are such an amazing little man and I know you are with me everyday!!!

Your prayers were answered!

2010-08-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

Things are going much better! I am feeling more at peace with things and my blood levels are looking much better. The doctor put me on some hormone supplements and they seem to be working!!!! I have started back t work, so life has become very busy and I am able to occupy my mind more. I am just trying not to think about things right now. I am keeping my fingers crossed that things continue to head in the right direction!!!

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!!!

I needs prayers!!!

2010-08-13T22:31:00.000-07:00

Without going into too much detail I am asking for your prayers!!! My hormones levels are not where they should be and in fact they have been dropping. They need to be at a certain level to get pregnant and raise to another level to maintain the pregnancy. This is so hard and I am feeling so down. I really need to be lifted in prayer right now. Will you please say a prayer for me and my future rainbow(s)? If you do not believe in prayer will you please just keep me in your thoughts? Just knowing I have support helps so much!!!

I love you all!!!

Slowly but surely!

2010-08-11T14:53:00.000-07:00

Ok so I have had a few suggestions on how I can raise funds for Juanito's Wish. Jenna's mommy Franchesca is going to donate a portion of what she makes during the month of October from blog makeovers to us!!! That is going to help out so much!!! So if you are thinking about a new look for you blog PLEASE hold off till October for us.

Another suggestion has been to put a Chipin button on the blog. That is now up and running. If you donate PLEASE leave a comment and let me know. I will put it on the blog in honor of your angel!!!

I am so excited to expand Juanito's Wish. There are so many parents out there going through what we are and I want to help as many as possible!!! This is a slow process, but we will make it to where we want to go!!!

Thanks to everyone who has helped out so far!!!

I need help figuring out how to raise $ for Juanito's Wish

2010-08-04T13:24:00.000-07:00

Finally Juanito's Wish is up and running! We have 2 complete boxes and supplies for 15 more. I should have the poem/scripture verses books back from the girls who are assembling them this weekend. We really are off to a good start! Thank God no one has needed a box, but it is only a matter of time.

So anyway I want to be able to donate more boxes to more rural hospitals, but do to all my many medical issues my funds are growing thin. I am in need of ideas and ways to raise some money just for Juanito's Wish!

Just as I was typing this the cutest little hummingbird came and visited me for a few minutes!!! Oh it was my little guy checking up on me!

OK back to my money issues...... Anyone have any good ideas???

7 months.....

2010-07-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about today for several days now and when I woke up this morning I had totally forgot that it was the 29th. Maybe it is the "hang over" I have from the long drive back from Oregon, but I still feel really bad that it wasn't the first thing I thought of this morning. I can't believe it has been 7 months since I held my sweet baby boy. I miss him so much and thought a lot about him during our vacation. I imagined how things would have been had he been there with us and how we would have had to do things differently with him there. It was really hard to not have him there to share in our family memories. I feel that it is getting harder rather than easier for me as time goes on. I miss him so much and I just wish I could have him back even if it were just for a day.

**** I took some pictures of his name while on vacation and I will get them posted as soon as they are uploaded!!!

I need advice

2010-07-16T09:01:00.000-07:00

Ok this might be a long post and I'm not quit sure how to start it, so the intro might be a little awkward........

Last year one of Juan and I's goals was to focus more on becoming closer to God and showing our children religion. I grew up LDS or Morman and Juan Catholic. When we were married one of the compromises we made was to allow our children to choose their religion. This has worked for us thus far. One problem we did find is that many of our friends wanted us for Godparents of their children and if we were not married in the Catholic church we could not do that. So I chose to go through all the steps and we were married in the Catholic church last September. Neither Juan or I have been back to church since we lost Juanito. We both really have tried, but it has been too painful.

Now that you have some background I think these stories will make more sense. A few months ago Juan and I were asked yet again to be Godparents. On the 24th of this month we will be traveling to Oregon to baptize a sweet 1 1/2 year old girl. I am so excited!!! But both Juan and I knew we would have to attend Baptism classes and that meant we would have to go back into the church. I made sure to sign up for the class that the Priest who married us taught. I knew he would be more sensitive to us and the class would be just fine. Well when we got to the church we found out the the priest had to go out of town and the only class that was available before we left was the Spanish class. We had taken this class before and I did not care for the instructor. He is down right rude!!!

He actually was more pleasant and even cracked a few jokes. I was shocked!!! I managed to get through the class and I didn't have my breakdown until afterwards. At one point in the class the instructor said that it was the parents responsibility to protect their children and I feel like I was not able to do the with Juanito, so I did cry afterwards. On Wednesday, we had our last class. I felt so much better and even walked into the church excited. Well class started and things were going well. Everyone was cracking jokes and we were having a good time. Until he got to the part about where babies come from. He got onto some sort of deranged soapbox and would not quit. He told us that it is 100% the parents fault if a baby is born sick, retarded or dead. And yes he said it just like that. It wasn't enough that he said it once, but he kept going on and on. He says God would never send an imperfect spirit to earth. After a few minutes I lost it and started bawling! I actually had to leave the class and spend the rest of it in the bathroom bawling my eyes out. This man has been put into a situation of authority and he has no right to say those types of things. I have made an appointment with the priest for today to talk about what happened, but I don't know what else to do. He absolutely devastated me and I have not been able to get over it.

Well yesterday I called my mom to tell her about it and I again got another slap in the face. Both my parents are very strong in the Mormon church and my mom especially doesn't like the fact that I am affiliated at all with the Catholic church. So I tell her the story trying my hardest not to get hysterical and she starts to say something, but then stops. I know without a doubt it was going to be something about Catholics and what they believe, but she stopped and wouldn't say. She then says, " Well guess what happened to me yesterday? I was registering your dad for some blood work and we have you listed as our emergency contact. When The registrar pulled it up on the computer it was flashing right there in bold that your religion is Catholic." I'm just sitting there on the other end thinking what does this have to do with what this guy did to me. I'm sitting here bawling on the phone devastated that someone would blame me for Juanito's death and you are trying to tell me what "happened" to you. How is my religion being listed as Catholic something that "happens" to someone. She totally turned what this uneducated man said into a religion issue instead of trying to console me. I was hurt beyond words buy that. I know she doesn't like the fact that I support the catholic religion. Before we hung up she did say she was sorry for what the man did, but the hurt had already been caused. I figured I wouldn't be able to call her and tell her without being a bawling babbling mess, so i wrote her an email explaining my feelings. That probably wasn't the best thing to do, but I needed her to know that I was hurting. I know she has read it and I have yet to hear back from her. No phone call. No email. NOTHING!

What she doesn't realize is she still has me here on earth with here. I have not joined some kind of cult and my beliefs are still 100% the same as they have always been. I don't have my son here with me and I am doing the very best I can to work through this grieving process. There are going to be things that upset me and I Need people to just listen and support me. Nobody is going to be able to fix me. It is just going to take time for me to work through all of this. None of these triggers have anything to do with religion, sex, age or race. They just happen and I will slowly work through them.

Well if you managed to make it through this I thank you. Do you have any ideas of what I can do to fix this with my mom? I don't want to call her if she is really upset and just cause us to fight more. UGH.... I hate that I even have to be offended by what people say. I wish I could just going back to being naive again. I wish I just had my baby here with me.

6 Months...... I think I am ready

2010-07-05T16:12:00.000-07:00

Wow! This has been a hard post to write. It has been 6 long and hard months since I held my baby. I keep being told that it will get easier with time and I keep waiting for that time to come. I still wake up everyday thinking about my sweet baby boy and all the things I am missing. I still think about him all the time. I still miss him just as much as I did the day I found out he was gone. I still dream about him all the time and I still hurt so bad that at times I don't think I can breath. I still do not feel like time has eased the pain.

On the other hand these past 6 months have brought me some of the most genuine and pure friends that I could ever have. It has brought me into a community that I wouldn't want anyone to belong to, but I am so glad that I do. These past 6 months have taught more about myself than I ever learned in the 29 years before I lost him. These last 6 months have brought my family so close that I don't think anything will ever be able to tear us apart. I would not change anything that has happened over these past 6 months.

I had hoped to be blessed with a Rainbow by his 6 month Angelversary, but unfortunately that did not happen. I have learned that I have once again joined another community that I thought I would never belong to. That is the infertility community. Never in a million years did I imagine that I would have trouble getting pregnant. Dylan was a condom baby, Adriana took 1 try and Mitch took 2 months. It took us 16 months to get Juanito, but several of those months we didn't try or it wasn't convenient, so we used protection, but when we got really serious about trying, we got pregnant within just a few months. That is not the case anymore. We have been trying for the last 4 months (2 months very hard) with no results. I have used OPK's and done blood work only to reveal that I am no longer ovulating. Both Juan and I knew that one day that could become a possibility with my Hashimoto's, but we both figured we would be done having babies by the time that day came. We should be done having babies. I was going to have my tubes tied after I had Juanito, but instead we were forced to go home and try again. We tried 50mg of Clomid last month and I just knew that would do the trick, but I was wrong. I still didn't ovulate. Tomorrow I will start 100mg of Clomid and I pray that with the help of God and Juanito we can be blessed with our Rainbow.

I hope my rambling makes sense. This post will probably be changed several times before I like it, but I felt like I needed to get something down.

Six months.....

2010-06-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

I keep trying to write this post but I can't. Not yet anyway. I'm sorry!!!

Scrapbooking

2010-06-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

I love to scrapbook. I always have. It is a hobby that I started when I had Dylan. I wanted to remember everything about my kids while they were growing up. Well I've been a slacker and fallen really far behind, but I am determined to get caught up!!! Tonight I was working on Mitch's book. the very first page in each child's book is their hospital portrait then their delivery and finally their first bath. It is so much fun to look at these pages and remember the feelings associated with them. I love it, but I have a problem. I don't have a first hospital picture, delivery pictures or first bath pictures of Juanito. I have no happy memories of his birth. I was too devastated by his death. Granted I appreciate every moment we had with him and I loved admiring his tiny little features, but it wasn't happy like my others. All I have are a few pictures, hand & foot prints, name cards and certificates. Juanito's book is not going to consist of memories, but rather thoughts. People thinking of him and our family and writing his name or sending a cards. Pictures of his name are all I have to share of him. I am so glad to have them and so thankful of the many friends and strangers out there who have taken a moment of their time to think of my son. You guys are my heros!!! But deep down inside that is not enough! I want all the memories I will never have with him to scrapbook. I want to be able to laugh and smile as I remember his face or his reaction to a particular situation. I want to be able to show off his book the same way I do the others, but instead I will have a memorial book to honor him by. People will look at it and feel sorry for us. They will tell us how beautiful the pages are and how thoughtful people are to send us the pictures of his name. That is all I will have for my beautiful Angel.

I have a hard time being happy for them!

2010-06-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

How many you you have a hard time being happy for someone who announces that they are pregnant? Well I will admit that I do. I have had several people in my life announce that they are expecting lately. Some of them fellow babyloss moms and some not, but the one thing is that I can't feel that joy that I used to feel for pregnant women. If they are a BL mom I worry for them and pray that they get their rainbow baby, so that they can have a calm in their storm. If they are not I pray that they do not have to feel or know this heartache. I can't feel excited for them or overjoyed like I used to. I am glad that they are expecting and I am hopeful that things will work out, but I do not feel like I did before I lost my baby! I hope this all makes sense. It is not that I am heartless or jealous. It's just that everyday I live the reality of what can happen to that beautiful bliss when something goes terribly wrong! I know what it feels like when your hopes and dreams are shattered into a million pieces and there is no hope of being able to piece them back together. I know what it feels like to lose a baby!!! I wish I could put my feelings into words, but this is the best I can do and it doesn't even begin to touch it. I live everyday hoping to find a glimmer of happiness to replace the sorrow my heart feels for my sweet baby. I just hope that someday this pain will ease and I can once again feel happy and hopeful for those around me as they plan and prepare for the most wonderful adventure of their life.

Baby bird I miss you so much! I can't believe just 7 more days and it will have been 6 months since I held you. Six months since all my hopes and dreams for you were put on hold. Six months since I started a new reality that has caused me to open my eyes and see the world for what it really is. I love you more than words can express. You will always have a place in my heart baby boy!!!!

What a bad day...

2010-06-16T22:47:00.000-07:00

I honestly don't know what is wrong with today, but it has been such a horrible day for so many of my BL friends. I wish I could change it for all of us! Well my day has been horrible and I hate feeling like this. Juan announced that he doesn't want any more babies. I am praying that he is just having a bad day too, but part of me can't help but to believe him. I have dealt with all these stupid hormones associated with Clomid for what? A chance NOT to try this month. Oh I am so mad, hurt and tired right now. Why can't I just have my baby back? Why did he have to be taken from me. I really am not that strong. I honestly think God made a mistake when he chose me to be the mother of a perfect angel. Well, and if he didn't, I sure could use a little more help from him right now. I feel so alone. When will this all end???

Clomid

2010-06-10T22:21:00.000-07:00

I have been so excited about the possibility of having another baby and Juan has even decided it is time to TTC. The last couple of months I have used OPKs and I found out that I am not ovulating, so I spoke with my doctor and he decided to try Clomid for a few months. Tomorrow is my last day of taking Clomid and on Saturday we are supposed to start DTD every other day (I know TMI.) Can I just say I have become so scared! I have become teary-eyed just admitting it. I have such a desire to have another baby to love and hold. Well and I know a Rainbow would help to bring closure to my loss of Juanito. A Rainbow could never replace my sweet angel, but it would help to heal the guilt I have in failing my son. Not being able to keep him safe while he was forming and growing inside me. But regardless of how badly I want a Rainbow I don't know if I have the guts to go through with it! I'm so scared of losing another one. I have an amazingly strong friend who just lost her 3rd baby boy and I just don't know if I am as strong as her. Am I being selfish? Should I just thank God for the 3 amazing miracles he has given me and move on with life? Do I try and if I get pregnant what? Can I keep a future baby safe? What will I do if I lose another one? Have I pushed to hard? I have all these questions running through my head and I can't seem to rationalize an answer to any. I am so scared and I need strength!!! God please help me to find strength and answers. Please help me to find peace in my heart. Please help me to to stay strong for both my family and a possible future Rainbow.

A future for Tomorrow

2010-06-05T13:05:00.000-07:00

Haley, a wonderful friend of mine growing up suffered from an eating disorder. She has written a book about it and has become such an inspiration to so many. Go check out her blog and the trailer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SakJrGB-1w

You can also enter to win a contest!!!

I need adivce

2010-06-01T00:21:00.000-07:00

We are in the process of ordering Juanito's headstone and we are not sure what to put for his name. I have added a poll on the right hand side of my blog and I will leave it open for awhile. What would you do?

Juan Ramirez

Juanito Ramirez

Juan (Juanito) Ramirez

I hate not being able to make decisions! I used to be really good at it, but now I am afraid that I am going to make the wrong decision. So I would greatly appreciate some advice!!!

****The Poll was being retarded, so I removed it. I will try and fix it tomorrow sometime. Just leave me a comment PLEASE!!!

Juanito's Special Place

2010-05-30T13:59:00.001-07:00

The kids and I rode up to the cemetery this morning and took some pictures with Juanito. Mitch did not want to cooperate, but we were still able to get some pretty good ones. Juan had to work so he was unable to be there with us, but hopefully next year his headstone will be in place and we can get some family pictures.

Happy 5 Month Birthday Sweet Baby Boy

2010-05-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

Wow! Has it really already been 5 months? Time has flown by, yet I feel as if it is standing still. I can't believe it has alrady been 5 months since I held him, five months since my hopes and dreams of him shattered, five months since I started my new life. This has been the hardest months I have ever had to endure and trust me we have been through a lot!

Today was spent with my other children. We decided to come down and spend the night at my parents house. We went up and got Juanito's plot all decorated at the cementary. It looks so nice. I am going to dress the kids up and take pictures of them with his placque tomorrow morning. I will post pictures Tuesday when we get home. We have also talked to a couple of people about his headstone. I hope to have that in by Memorial Day of next year. I can't wait to have a real place to call his own. I just wish it could be the bedroom next door to mine instead of a hard piece of ground in the middle of nowhere. But at least I will have a place of reflection where I can go visit and cry for my baby, decorate cute just for him, and make with all my love. At least I will have something that I can do in honor of my precious angel. I love and miss you so much baby bird. Give Chloe a big squeeze from me and tell her I am so sorry!

Now on to the results of the giveaway...........

I used ramdom.org and the number that was chosen was the number 1.
Congratulations to Megan!!! Let me know which one you would like and I will get it to you.

5 months, 50 followers and a Giveaway!!!

2010-05-25T07:29:00.000-07:00

I finally have 50 followers!!! I told myself that when I reached 50 followers that I would hold a giveaway! It just so happens that I reached 50 followers the week that Juanito turns 5 months old. I just can't believe that it has been 5 months since I held my baby. It seems like it was just yesterday, yet it feels like it was forever ago. I miss him so much!!!

The winner of the giveaway will have the choice of a butterfly, a hummingbird, or a dragonfly solar light for your garden. They switch between 3 different colors. They are beautiful and so much fun to watch at night.

There are a few different ways you can enter the giveaway. For each entry leave a separate comment.

1) Leave my sweet baby a comment here.

2) Become a follower. If you already are just let me know.

3) Facebook about the giveaway.

4) Blog about the giveaway.

5) Add my button to your side bar.

The winner will be announced at the end of the day on May 29th. The day my sweet baby boy turns 5 months old.

Baby Bird,

It has been five long and agonizing months since you took flight. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much! We had and still have so many hopes and dreams for you. I know you were chosen by God for another purpose, but that doesn't make the pain we feel any less. You will always hold a special place in our hearts. Happy five months in Heaven Baby Bird!!!

Love,

Daddy and Mommy

We have a winner!!!

2010-05-24T07:27:00.001-07:00

Talisa Foster-Edmondson left me a comment on my facebook page. She guessed an Oriole and because I'm not 100% sure if our bird is and Oriole or a Warbler, I'm going to give it to her!!!

So, Juanito has decided that he would like a greenish/yellowish bird to represent him. I'm OK with that and I actually like the idea of him being my baby bird who has taken flight!

This is a picture of a Warbler, but our bird also looks like an oriole (I can't decide between the 2). The one that has been hanging out at our house looks just like this one other than it's colors are brighter. I have never seen a bird like this around our area before. I like to think my little guy brought him just for me!!!

So Talisa email or message me your address and I will get your prize out to you!

Juanito's Symbol...... Can you guess what it is?

2010-05-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

I have found that many of my friends have something that represents their little angels. Butterflies seem to be the most popular of them all. Since I lost Juanito I have wanted to find something to represent him, but nothing ever seemed right. I know without a doubt that he would have been out little cowboy and I have considered using something western, but our 3 yr old is also our little cowboy and it just hasn't felt right. I just have not been able to place my finger on the perfect symbol.

I guess I have taken too long and Juanito has taken things into his own hands. The weather has been warming up (I am writing this as it is currently snowing.....) and all the little creatures have started coming out. It have really enjoyed sitting in the backyard watching everything spring to life. Over the past few weeks we have had a visitor in our yard that I have never seen before. He has been enjoying our Willow Trees and I feel like he has been "toying" with me. Every time I try to pull out the camera and snap a picture he hides. He is a little camera shy I guess. Then the other day I went to the store when I can out there he was again sitting by my truck. I just had to smile =) But the funny thing is that about 30 minutes later he was back at the Willow Tree playing on the branches. I googled this particular animal and found that it is not native to Utah. It is actually native to the Eastern US, so I am very curious as to how this little guy got here. I have enclosed a picture of him in another post and I will revile it later. For now I want you to guess as to what it is......

What the heck I will throw a prize in it for the first one who guesses it right!

Oprah

2010-05-21T07:25:00.000-07:00

If you have experienced a loss you have probably experienced being SILENCED as well. All of us BabyLossParents are writing to Oprah in hopes she will air a show on babyloss and how to console parents in mourning.THIS is not contagious,THIS is a tragedy. No race, religion or creed is exempt from this pain. POST THIS if you or someone you love experienced a loss. Please help us bring awareness. CLICK BELOW for Oprah's link www.oprah.com/ownshow/plug_form.htm...

Many of us are posting this on our Facebook pages. Please if you have experienced a loss take 5 minutes and go to the link. It seriously only took me 5 minutes and I would love to see this as a topic on her show. This is her last season, so this is our last chance. Lets get the word out and teach the general public about babyloss.

I didn't have a miscarriage.......

2010-05-19T08:52:00.000-07:00

Ever since I lost Juanito I feel like I have had to prove that I did not have a miscarriage. I was 21 weeks. He was smaller because of the hemorrhage I suffered when I was 13 weeks. My placenta did not function like it should have, but I had to go through everything that I went through while having my other kids. I was half way there. I am just so furious that I constantly feel like I have to prove to everyone that I had to deliver him like a full term baby and that I just didn't go in for a D&C. Not that having a MC is any less just different. It is just as emotional and it is still a loss. I just want my justification that that is not what I went through!

Juanito's Afghan

2010-05-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

When I got home from work yesterday there was a box from the post office waiting for me. I was so excited when I opened it and found this inside. Right after I lost Juanito I asked The Schuyler Blanket Blanket Project to make this Afghan for my husband! I have had so much support that I thought it would be nice to have something made just for him. I was going to wait to give it to him for Father's Day, but I really want to display it no, so he will get it tonight when he gets back from working out of town.

I just want to thank all of those who donated their time in making this blanket. These squares come from all over the world. I absolutely love it and I know there will be many days and nights that Juan and I use this blanket to keep us warm!

This last square was made by Tannamy, Schuylers mom. She had decorated Schuyler's room in ladybugs, so she knits a ladybug square for each afghan. I LOVEIT!!!

Emotions....

2010-05-13T13:12:00.000-07:00

I never knew I was capable of experiencing this many and these types of emotions. Especially so close together or even at once. This is something I never wanted or asked for. I do not like it at all. One minute I can be laughing with a co-worker and the next feel hatred/disgust. I have felt so many emotions that I can not list them all. Click on the word emotions and you will find a list. I can guarantee that I have experienced the majority of them these past few months. This really takes a toll on a person. I feel like I have been living in the fight or flight mode for almost five months now. It is not a fun feeling! My body does not function right. My brain does not function right. My SOUL is not functioning right. I need off of this emotional ride and back on solid ground. I want to feel what solid ground feels like again. I want a taste of what a worry free life is like or at least not having to worry about loosing my baby. I want to breath fresh air again, but instead I am stuck breathing in the stale air of the baby loss world! I have never really wanted to return to my childhood before, but I would love to feel the carelessness I felt as a child. I want to have the innocence of my carefree days back. I want to be oblivious to all the hurt and pain that is felt in this world. I want to be free!!!

Decisions and Patience

2010-05-11T16:48:00.000-07:00

Well Juan and I had "the talk" last night and I felt like we were able to come to a compromise. We have decided not to try, but not to prevent either. In the past I have been fertile mertile and I was able to get pregnant in a month or two, but times have changed so I am hoping to have a BFP within the next 6 months. It took 16 to get Juanito, so I need to be realistic. I just don't know if I can handle 16 months of disappointments before it happens and then be scared to death for another 8 (I have my babies early.) I guess I need to just leave it up to God and when He is ready to send us a baby it will happen. I just hope he takes our heartache into consideration when he plans things for us.

I have noticed that he has been kind to many BL families out there and they are on thier way to having their rainbow babies. I want to congratulate each of them and let them know I am keeping them in my thoughts and prayers.

Mother's Day Tragedy

2010-05-10T13:30:00.000-07:00

A mother in mourning is in need of your prayers. Yesterday a one year old's siblings took her outside to play. A short time later her mom came out to move their car. She was unaware that her little girl was out there and she hit her. The little one died a short time later.

Please Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers. I did not know them personally, but this is the worst tragedy a mother could ever go through!

The true meaning of Mother's Day and where it came from.

2010-05-08T14:06:00.000-07:00

In 1870, Julia Ward Howe wrote and published a protest against the carnage and violence of the Civil War -- this was a protest led by WOMEN WHO HAD LOST THEIR SONS!!!!! It was bereaved mothers who started this!!!! Hallmark is WAY OFF the mark with the way this holiday is commercialized and propagated now, BUT in the beginning, this was a day of protest, an expression of horrified grief from bereaved mothers who were parted from their sons!! Wow. Okay. That's a different spin.

So what did Julia have to say back in 1870? You read and see for yourself:

Arise, then, women of this day! Arise all women who have hearts, whether our baptism be that of water or of fears!

Say firmly: "We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies. Our husbands shall not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause. Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.

We women of one country will be too tender of those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs. From the bosom of the devastated earth a voice goes up with our own. It says "Disarm, Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."

Blood does not wipe our dishonor nor violence indicate possession. As men have often forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons of war, let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel. Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.

Let them then solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means whereby the great human family can live in peace, each bearing after their own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar, but of God.

In the name of womanhood and of humanity, I earnestly ask that a general congress of women without limit of nationality may be appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient and at the earliest period consistent with its objects, to promote the alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement of international questions, the great and general interests of peace.

Julia Ward Howe
Boston
1870
So there you have it. Mother's Day is about the loss of children. Mother's Day is our day! We have the right to celebrate it any way we wish. So I say to my fellow BL moms out there may you be filled with peace as you wake tomorrow morning and remember this day in whatever way it pleases you!!!

Rock bottom....

2010-05-07T19:45:00.000-07:00

Is this what it feels like or is it going to get worse? Where do I go from here? How am I ever going to move forward? What is wrong with me? Why is this happening to me? Who is going to help me? Where do I go to get that help? When is this insanity going to end? How can I move forward if I feel like there is nowhere to go? How much can my family take before they break? Is anyone hurting like me? Does anyone feel the way I do? Does anyone understand me? Does anyone care that it hurts so bad? Am I hiding it well enough? Am I showing my weakness? Am i as miserable to be around as she is? Do I cause people unnecessary pain? I'm I a burden?

I DON'T KNOW!!!

Friends I just wanted to let you know I had a big project planned for everyone for Mother's Day, but I am so sorry I don't think I am going to be able to do it. I feel horrible and I am so sorry!!!

Break Downs......

2010-05-07T12:44:00.000-07:00

I hate unexpected break downs..... I really do. This week has been very stressful for me and I feel like I have been on constant break down mode. May is a very stressful month for teachers. End of year testing puts tons of pressure on us and many factors that affects the student's performance is out of our hands. I HATE end of year testing. I do not think it properly shows what a child knows and where they are at in their learning.

Aside from school Life has been hectic. May is such a busy month for us and I just wish I could bypass it all together. I'll give you the breakdown of the month.

May- My due date(s) I had 4, so I have no clue when he was due.

May 1st- Best friend's Little girl's Birthday Party

May 2nd- Mitch's Birthday/ IBLMD

May 3rd- Godson's Birthday

May 4th-Sister' Anniversary

May 5th- Our Anniversary

May 8th- Memory Walk/ Godson's Birthday Party

May 9th- Mother's Day

May 10th- Grandpa's Birthday

May 15th- Chilo's Birthday/Kid's Combined Birthday Party.

May 16th- Summer Bible study session begins

May 19th- Dylan's Birthday

May 22nd- Terin's Graduation

May 27th- Dylan's Graduation

May 28th-Last Day of School

May 31st- Memorial Day

June 1st- My second surgery

On top of those dates I have Primerica meetings every Wednesday and Saturday, I work 5 days a week, we have put our house on the market, we are looking for a house, we are painting/remodeling the house and we have been invited to several birthday/first communion/confirmation parties. I'm not trying to say mine is worse than yours. I'm just saying it is too much for me right now.

To top it all off, Mitch has been sick the past few days. He spiked a 104 temp last night. His breathing went up to 40, his heart rate stayed around 200 and his oxygen dropped to 78. I had to put him on 5L of oxygen for about 3 hours. I was able to get his fever to break and everything else improved but he was still on 2 1/2L of oxygen when I left for work this morning. Due to taking maternity leave (2 weeks) early I had to work, so Juan took the day off and stayed with him. He took him to the doctor and he was given a bunch of meds and sent home. Our regular Ped is out so I am a little nervous about the diagnosis.

So let me just say I am not doing too well. I lost it last night and cried for about 3 hours. Juan was so cute. He kept trying to come up with things to help cheer me up, but of course nothing worked. I was then up the majority of the night with Mitch, so I didn't get much sleep. I am a wreck today. I have a co-worker who lost her 21 year old son about 3 years ago. She has become extremely negative towards everything. Especially work. I don't blame her, but I have a very hard time not falling into her negativity. Lets just say I feel like she is hindering my healing. Our principal is new and he has uprooted the whole system and has caused havoc, so this co-worker has decided to rebel. I was standing in the lunchroom while her students were going through the line today. She of course was not in there and her kids were out of control. I had to get after them and stop the whole lunchroom just to get them back under control. I had a furry build up inside of me that I have never felt at work before and I came lose on her. I told her what I thought of how she was acting and that I was not going to be her personal babysitter. I was shaking so bad. I have never had this happen before. I don't agree with what she is doing, but I have personally prided myself with my self control and today I had none.

I am not OK. I am not dealing well with everything right now. All I want to do is crawl into a hole and stay there for a very long time. I thought things were progressing pretty well, but I was wrong. I have digressed so much that I wonder how I am ever going to move forward. My heart hurts so much right now and I can't seem to come to grips with it all. I am going through just as rough a time if not rougher than when I lost Juanito. This is so hard!!!

I guess I just need to let the break downs come and hope that I can survive the rest of this month! Sorry about the ramblings. My thoughts are all jumbled and I am not even sure if this post makes sense, but at least I was able to get through it =)

Franchesca's Little Joseph

2010-05-06T09:13:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update. I received an email from Franchesca today. Both her and her little Joseph are doing well. Joseph is healthy and happy and Franchesca is so relieved that everything went well. Keep her and little Joseph in your thoughts and prayers as they both recover from this blessed event.

I can't help but say I was giddy when I read her email. As much as I miss my little Juanito and as hard as it is to hear about babies, this hasn't been hard at all. When a BL mom gives birth to a healthy baby it gives me hope and happiness for both my family and theirs!!

CONGRATULATIONS FRANCHESCA!!!!!

A Special Birthday for a Special Girl.

2010-05-05T10:19:00.000-07:00

Today is Franchesca's sweet angel Jenna's 1st birthday. Jenna you are loved and missed so much! I know this is a hard time for Jenna's parents, so I am asking that you all keep them in your thoughts and prayers. Please say an extra prayer for Jenna's new little brother, Joseph. He was born yesterday and was a month early.

In honor of Jenna's birthday Fran has set up a giveaway on her blog. Go check it out and leave her a sweet message!

Weight Loss Wednesday

2010-05-05T09:24:00.000-07:00

Well I have been wanting to do this for awhile now, but I haven't been able to do it. I saw that Shannon has jumped on board and so I figure I should too.

Let me start out by giving you a background on me and part of the reason I have gotten this way. After I delivered my 1st son I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I had lost all the weight I gained during the pregnancy, but when he hit 6 months it came back and I didn't know why. Well the low thyroid answered that. I was able to control my weight pretty good over the next few years, but I never did lose all of it after I went on the meds.

Almost 4 years later Adriana was born. Again I was able to lose the weight I gained, but I felt horrible! I had a hard time getting out of bed. I had NO energy and I began gaining weight for no known reason. I made an appointment and had my blood drawn. My TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) came back at 101. Normal high is just under 5. I was sent to see specialists and I had a bunch of tests run. The final diagnosis was Hashimoto's Disease. I would be on meds the rest of my life and have difficulties from this disease.

I accepted the diagnosis the best I could, but I quickly found out how hard it would be. Losing weight was all but impossible. I have never felt"normal" since I was diagnosed. I have joint pain, irregular periods, exhaustion, memory loss, dry skin, loss of hair, bad teeth, etc...... This has been hard, but I would rather have this than many other diseases out there.

So let's fast forward to the present. I am now way overweight and I really want to feel better. I have decided to exercise with a friend 3 times a week and walk my dog 3 times a week. I am trying to change my diet and I AM COMMITTED!!! I am not quite ready to share my stats but I will tell you I want to lose 50 pounds by November and then another 20-30 by next summer. If I post here every Wednesday I think I will be more successful. Well that's what I hope anyway!

Illegal Immigration

2010-05-03T12:11:00.000-07:00

Ok I know I said I wasn't going to be on here much anymore, but I'm at work and I have something bugging me, so I need to get it off my chest. The topic is Illegal Immigration.

I have been reading a lot of blogs and FB posts about the Arizona bill and Illegals in our country. Let me start off by first saying I am not for Illegal Immigration, but I think that the way our country has handled it is wrong. I am just going to put this out there..... My husband is here illegally!!! We have been trying for years to get his paperwork done, but the current system that we have in place makes if all but impossible to get it done. I guess if we wanted to separate our family and lose everything we own then we could do it, but we have worked way too hard and fought far too long for our family and what we have to do that. Our country's system is screwed up!! I know that many out there feel differently than I do and that's OK. I respect everyone's opinion, but remember everyone has one!

So this post is coming from the wife of an illegal. I first want to start off by saying I have never met a man so devoted to his family and their future than my husband. He has his flaws, but overall he is such an amazing person and I couldn't be more proud to be his wife. I have a very soft spot for Hispanics in general. I love their culture and the fact that they are so family oriented. I feel that because of the value they put on family is the reason why we have such a problem with illegal immigration into this country. They are coming from poor home lives where they have no chance at giving their children the lives they feel they deserve. They risk their lives to come to this country in hopes that their children will be better off than they are. They take jobs that no US citizen would ever do. (Ok this is where the argument that if they didn't come here then people would have to pay better wages for these jobs.... I agree.) They are willing to do whatever it takes for their families and I LOVE that!!! The majority who come here don't come to traffic drugs, commit crimes or cause us grief. They come here solely to better their situations.

I could go on for hours and there would be an argument for every comment I make. I know there is and many of them I believe. I know we have worked for centuries to build this country, but illegal immigration is what this country was built on. I don't think anyone had permission to come here, but I am sure glad they did. I am so glad that I have the opportunity to be a citizen of this country, but I am not proud of what my country is doing! Illegals are human beings! They are not some old dog we can just kick around. We need to find a human way to take care of the situation WE have allowed to happen. We have had the blinders on for so long that we have allowed this to take place. We can't just change some laws and think it is going to solve the problem. We need to fix what we have done and then stop it from happening again. Do I have the answer? No! I have ideas, but I alone can't come up with the perfect answer. An immigration reform would be wonderful for my husband and I's situation. Maybe that would be a good answer. Allow all of those who are here the opportunity to EARN their visa's and green cards?!?! I don't know, but all I want is for us to be more Christian like and treat people with respect. I have to ask myself over and over What would Jesus do? Well I think we all know the answer to that. There are so many good people out there who don't have permission to be here, but I am so thankful they are. Some of the most influential people I have met were not members of my church or my leaders of my country, but illegal immigrants who were willing to give me the shirt off their back or help me through my situation. I love my husband's people and I am one who couldn't be prouder to be an advocate for them. I may not agree with how they got here, but I am not going to lower myself to treat them like (insert word here). I just pray everyday that the leaders of this country can come up with a humane answer to this problem.

There I said it. I am open to posts and I will not judge your reasonings behind your comment. I just ask that you do not attack my husband personally in any way. This is a place for me to vent and get things out and personal attacks are not welcome. Thanks!!!

I need to fix things.......

2010-05-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

It has been 4 months since I lost Juanito. It has been a rough four months since I lost Juanito. I have been in the worst place I have ever been in my life. I have experienced something no mother should ever have to go through. I cry more now than I ever have before in my life. I have changed in ways that I wish I hadn't. I have become OCD (especially with FB and blogger.) I have shut many people out of my world. I have been miserable. I have hated so many people for so many things. I have been mad at God. I have doubted myself. I have hurt so bad. I have made some of the most amazing friends that I would never have made had I not lost him. I have GRIEVED.

Notice something wrong with the paragraph above? I'm sure most will say no. You have lost a child and everything you are going through is normal. Well you are right, but it has taken me 4 months to realize that there is something wrong with it. The problem is that every sentence starts with I. Not we, I! I have been doing all of these things for the past 4 months and not even thought twice about what my husband is going through or what he needs. I have not been a very good wife! I think in many ways our relationship has become stronger, but in many ways it has also deteriorated. I have been obsessed with the internet. I am on the computer a lot. I research, read blogs, FB, write, pay bills, chat, and so much more. It helps me to occupy my time but I have forgotten that I have another half and he is feeling left out of my life. We had an amazing weekend, but at the same time we argued a lot. He has finally started to deal with this and he has hit his rock bottom. Where have I been? On the computer. It is time I start paying more attention to him and helping him get through this rough time.

So starting today I am going to limit my time on the internet. I personally don't feel ready to give up my daily contacts, but I love my husband and I care about our relationship. I no longer have Juanito here with me, but I do have a wonderful (most of the time =) husband and 3 beautiful children who are here. I love and miss my baby so much, but I know without a doubt that I will get to be with him one day and I need to give as much of myself to my family that I have right here right now! Don't get me wrong, I will still check up on everyone and continue my blogstocking, but it just won't be everyday. This is going to be a hard transition for me, but I know that all my BL friends understand and you will be here for me when I need you as I for you as much as I can.

It's time to quit focusing on me and to start focusing on my family. They are my world, yet these past 4 months I have shut them out. I am praying for strength! I know that sounds funny, but I seriously depend on my BL friends. They are the only ones who understand what I am going through. I need all of you!!! But I am going to try for my husband.

The phone calls have officially started....

2010-04-30T12:05:00.000-07:00

I have received 3 calls in the last 2 days asking how I was feeling and if I had had the baby yet. Well let me just say that I haven't fared to well. The 1st called happened while we were visiting some good friends of ours. It was Dylan's Godmother and she was calling to invite us to a dinner she was having. Well we haven't see each other since Christmas, so she asked if I could even come because the baby had to be due any day now. I did OK telling her what happened, but just as soon as I hung up the phone I lost it. So there I am sitting at a friend's house a complete and total mess. We had to cut the visit short.

Then the next day some friends called from California. Luckily they called Juan's phone both times, but I was sitting by him. As soon as he said that I had lost the baby I lost it again. I had to go lock myself in our bedroom, so the kids wouldn't see me, and just cry. Juan has been really good at filtering as much of this for me as he can, but I keep getting hit off guard.

We, however are partially to blame. We were both so devastated when we lost Juanito that we couldn't bring ourselves to call everyone and tell them. My parents and siblings were excellent at telling my side of the family, Juan's not so much. His mom didn't tell anyone. We did tell some of our closest friends thinking that they would spread the word, but again they didn't say a word. So Juan and I have been left to tell our story over and over again. Juan is Mexican and I can't speak for all Latinos, but those that are from his area sure don't like to talk about death. It is taboo for them, so I am always aware of who cheated, who got in trouble with the law, who hates who, so and so got into a cat fight and my personal favorite....... Juan and Michelle are_________________________. Fill in the blank and I'm sure someone has said it about us. They are just jealous!!!! BUT when I really needed everyone to gossip about us, no one said a word and I am stuck reliving it every time I have to tell someone that no I am not about ready to deliver and no I don't have a baby.

MY BABY IS DEAD!!!

Did everyone hear that? MY BABY IS DEAD SO QUIT CALLING!!!!

I have some big hurdles coming up. By this I mean parties and gatherings in which I haven't seen some of the people since we announced the pregnancy. Please keep me in your prayers. I need all the strength I can get right now.

CAUTION........ Michelle's an idiot! LOL

2010-04-28T11:54:00.000-07:00

I'm horrible at having a thought and not fully writing it down. (Better double check)

I open mouth and insert foot on a regular basis. (I should learn to walk on my hands)

I am the best PMSer you will ever see. (Just ask the school social worker today....LOL)

I can't type worth beans, so I misspell all the time. (and yes I am a school teacher)

I am not the world's best anything and I'm OK with that. (But don't tell my kids that)

I regularly feel like the town idiot. ( I live in a city and not a town, so that's bad)

But I love each and everyone of my blogger friends and I want to say a special sorry to Ann, who was a first hand witness of one of my many mistakes. Ann you are an amazing mom and everyone who knows you can see that.

If I ever write anything on anyone's blog that you question, please call me on it (Thanks Ann for doing that) because chances are I was having one of my many moments!!!

I am so thankful for all of you! You are the only ones who truly understand what I am going through and how to help me deal. Without my blogger friends I would still be a lost little puppy dog. I hope you will continue to help me and my erroneous ways ( LOL) through this not so great adventure.

Thanks Guys!!!!

I held a baby today.

2010-04-27T12:21:00.000-07:00

One of my student's mom comes in once a week and teaches a JR achievement lesson. She had a baby in February. We had spent the majority of the school year talking about our pregnancies and how excited she was especially because she had a MC before she got pregnant this time. Well then I lost Juanito and she stopped comming in as much because she didn't want to upset me. I understood and I was thankful. I couldn't bare to see her ready to deliver and still keep it together for my students. Well since she has had the baby she has always come in when the baby was sleeping and kept her covered up, so I wouldn't have to see her.

Well today the little one had other plans. She slept through a big portion of the lesson, but decided that she wanted to see what was going on. I was forced to get her out of her carseat and hold her. I was OK. She is cute and I had fun snuggling with her. I didn't even shed a tear. It was as if nothing bad had ever happen to me and I was back to normal. I was so proud of myself !!!

Well it has now be a couple of hours and my arms are aching to hold a baby. I feel a desperation to have a baby in my arms. What was I thinking? What I could just go back to like it was before. Holding a baby, having fun and then giving it back?!?! Well that didn't happen and now I am screwed!!! I am left with an emptiness in both my heart and arms. Will this ache ever go away?

We finally listed our house.

2010-04-24T15:07:00.000-07:00

Well Juan and I have finally decided it is time to close this chapter in our lives and move forward. Our house officially went on the market this morning. We realize that with the way the market is right now that it might take several months to sell, but we figured that if we didn't do it, we never would. I honestly do not know where we are going to go from here. We have found a house in Salina UT that we both love, but I do not have a job as of yet. We are also kind of thinking that maybe we should head to Mexico for awhile. We have been praying a lot and we both know that the Lord will guide us to where we should be.

To see the listing click here.

Oh and yes my husband did all the amazing rock and brick work. Our backyard looked like a desert with tumble weeds and all when we moved in. I am so proud of the work we have done on this house and I hope that a family that can love this house like we have buys it and makes many loving memories.

3 months, 3 weeks and 3 days.....

2010-04-22T20:52:00.000-07:00

since I held my baby!

Why are some people so ignorant?

2010-04-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

Not sure why, but this post is showing up weird, so you may have to decipher it some.

Last night I was still feeling sorry for myself. A few more Facebook friends announced that they were expecting and 2 posted pics of their newborn babies.

So I posted: How many more people are going to announce their pregnancies and births before I get my chance? Life sucks right now............ I know I sound like a broken record. It went something like that and all i was needing were some hugs and I'm sorry's nothing big. But what I got was this message:

"So basically you're saying that people should just stop sharing their happy news  because a few people may be offended?  That's not fair.  They aren't intentionally  rubbing it in anyone's face.  Facebook is about sharing news with family and friends, you  have to take the good with the bad.  No one means to be offensive, life just goes  on."

Well my question to you is: Does life go on? How many of you have just said oh well life goes on? Well I sure as heck haven't and I'm pretty sure none of you have either. So I commented back trying to still be the bigger person and explained that our hearts were broken, so not only are we trying to find all the pieces but our would has stopped completely.

She then preceded to tell me that she knows pain because she has a special needs child. We all have our trials and it is our choice how we want to deal with them. I again responded letting her know that I too have a special needs child and we have decided to treat her like a normal child, but this is nothing like that.

Anyway long story short. If you can't say something nice especially to a grieving parent don't say nothing at all.

I am always so happy for the parents that are expecting and I thank GOD every time a baby is born to this world healthy, but that does not change my pain and I need FB support just the same as expecting parents want congratulations.

The famous question

2010-04-20T21:00:00.000-07:00

Yep this is a 2 post day. I was just updating my status on Facebook when my cousin who lives in Idaho IM's me to see how we are doing and what we have been up to. Then he hits me with... "You are having another kid soon right?"

The tears started flowing. Nope I'm not having another one. He was taken from me. I don't get to have him here. I have to wait for who knows how long to have that kid. Instead I get to sit here writing about him, looking and pictures of his name, trying to do good in his name, and trying to hide the pain I feel everyday!!! NO I AM NOT HAVING A KID SOON!!!!

Well I didn't answer that way, but I sure felt it. I have had to tell 3 people today that we lost the baby and it's not one of my strong days that I can do it and still hold it all together. Ok today just plain sucks! I am so glad it is over and I am praying that tomorrow will be better.

One of those days...

2010-04-20T17:47:00.000-07:00

I have a couple of blog awards that I need to post about, but today is not the day for that. Much thanks to those who sent them my way. I will post when I am feeling a little more up. This evening is turning out to be one of those that just get you down. My students where especially talkative today and I had some important things I needed to cram into their little heads before end of year testing started and the little stinkers felt like talking would be better.

I was so looking forward to coming home and relaxing with the family. My cute hubby got home early today, so we hung out under the shade of our willow tree for and then decided that the poor chickens need some new straw. So we made a little place for them to hang out so we could change the straw. One of the biggest ones was acting kind of funny. He wasn't spooking like the others, so I picked him up and started caressing him. I told my husband I thought something was wrong, but he just said he was still recovering from when our puppy got in and played too rough.

***Oh I forgot to post it, but Bear our amazingly calm dog killed 4 of the chickens including the chick that I took the pictures of the egg with. I was devastated, but Juan went out and bought some to replace them that very day. We had 17 then one more died a few days later, so we were down to 16.

OK so any way I was holding it and Juan needed something so I put it down. When I put it down it took a few steps forward stumbled and started seizing. It died right there in front of me. I've had to hide the pain, but it broke my heart. I kept asking Juan if it was something I did, but he said no that it looked like it had been stepped on, but I don't know how????? Well that just started it off. I have been reminded over and over this past week and a half that I should be very pregnant or holding a sweet baby boy in my arms. Everyone I know has started delivering their babies and making happy posts about the days to come and I am forever reminded that I will not have that happiness this year.

My oldest will be turning 12 in less than a month and my baby will be 3. I am really having a hard time seeing them grow up. This has never affected me before. I have never been one of those moms who breaks down when they see the little one off to their first day of Kindergarten. Don't get me wrong I missed them terribly and couldn't wait to hear all about their day, but I have always been one to hide my tears. Well not anymore. I am devastated that they are growing up. I am not ready to move forward yet time is not standing still for me. I miss my baby and I want him so badly!!! For my sake I just need this next month to fly by and get past these "celebrations'' before I loose it completely.

Baby boy mommy loves you and misses you so much. I am so sorry that I could not keep you safe. I would have done anything had I known. I know God has bigger plans for you, but today that does not bring me comfort. I am doing my best to do good in your name and I promise I won't let you down sweet boy.

xoxo,

Mommy

I need your help...... Actually my kiddos need your help!

2010-04-15T07:20:00.000-07:00

My cute 12 year old and 8 year old have decided to participate in a walk-a-thon. All money that they earn will be donated to underprivileged students at a local school. They really want to be able to do this in honor of their little angel brother. I thought it was so sweet when they came to me and said they wanted to do it for Juanito. The only problem is all money has to be turned in by the 26th of April. With my surgery and everything that has been going on I didn't realize that the walk-a-thon was this month. So I am asking all my friends for help with pledges. Any amount will help these 2. If you would be willing to help out please leave me your full name, what state you live in, your email address and the amount you can pledge in a comment and I will email you our mailing address. Checks can be made out directly to Suncrest Elementary if you would prefer not to send cash. Also if you could just pass on the word about this to your friends I would really appreciate it. Juanito's due date is fast approaching and instead of celebrating his birth we will be doing good in his name. THANKS!!!!

UPDATE: I didn't think about it, but if you would rather send it via paypal I can send you an email request! Thanks to Franchesca for reminding me!!!

All my many Thank Yous!!!

2010-04-14T10:10:00.001-07:00

Ok I have been such a slacker with publicly thanking those who have taken pictures of Juanito's name, sent little gifts, made gifts, and just plain did something nice for me during this time. I am not going to post pictures of what they did but I have finally attached their blog to the pictures in the sidebars of my blog. So here goes the list and the many THANK YOUS from my family and I. You have helped to make this trying time easier for us. For that I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart!!!

Franchesca- Juanito's name collage and my blog makeover

Brini- Juanito's valentine

Jill-Juanito's rock pictures

Lisette-Juanito's Easter egg

Antoinette-Juanito's Daisy

Carly-Juanito's name in the sand and Juanito's Rose

Jaime- Juanito's name on the ice

Jennifer-Juanito's name in the clouds

Amanda-Juanito's name in the stars

Lisa-Juanito's name at the waterfall

Grandma of an angel-Juanito's name by the shells

Bree-Juanito's butterfly

Laura-Juanito's name meaning

Tiffany-Juanito's name on the sidewalk

Lea-Juanito's angel wings

Misty-Juanito's shell and cherub

Things I have not posted pictures of yet due to memory card issues are (You will get another thanks later!):

My Juanito Photo pendant

My awareness bracelet

My memory box

My grieving package

My handkerchief

My wooden plaque

My Juanito embroidered frame

My comfort bear

Well and just a great big THANK YOU to all my blog readers. I am so thankful to have you as my support. I wish none of us had to be in this situation, but since we are I am thankful for each and everyone of you! You have helped me through this grieving process and helped me to understand that what I am feeling is normal. Without you this would be a much more difficult road. Well and to be honest an even sadder road to travel.

My blood is boiling right now...............

2010-04-13T14:24:00.000-07:00

Mother charged after leaving 13-month-old son alone for days

April 13th, 2010 @ 10:20am

SALT LAKE CITY -- Prosecutors have filed charges against a Salt Lake City woman for allegedly leaving her 13-month-old son alone for days, the Deseret News reports.

Police were called back in November to the woman's apartment near 700 South and 900 West after her landlord heard crying. They went inside and found the baby by himself on the floor. They say each room was littered with food and garbage.

Officers waited for three hours, but nobody returned for the child.

Prosecutors say the mother, Jacqueline Lyneetr Vides, finally admitted that she had last seen her boy two days before he was found.

Sunday, they filed a child abandonment charge against Vides, a third-degree felony.

I just read this story on KSL.com and my jaw dropped to the floor!!!

How could anybody do that? Really? See it's things like this that really upset me. My baby would never have been left alone and especially not for 3 friggen days!!!! I just wish I had a greater understanding of why people who do not want babies or care about their babies get them and those of us who want them more than anything in the world and we have the means to care for them properly are left empty handed and broken hearted. It is just not fair. I wish I could take that little one into my arms and hold him and protect him from that awful person who calls herself his mom!!! She has no idea!!!

I passed the PRAXIS!!!

2010-04-13T08:36:00.000-07:00

I just got my results and I have to share. In the state of Utah you are required to take 2 PRAXIS tests within your first 3 years of teaching. The first I took while I was still in college. No big deal, but I have been so consumed with other things that I forgot all about the 2nd PRAXIS until a friend of mine posted that she passed on Facebook. I kind of freaked out, but I signed up immediately and I was supposed to have taken it in January. I had to reschedule because I didn't think I would be mentally ready so soon after loosing Juanito, so I took it March 13th. Talk about a long wait! I just got my results and I got a 189 out of 199!!! I am so stinking excited. All I have left is my portfolio to turn in and I have my Tenure!!!!

WOO HOO!!!!

Telling Juanito's story

2010-04-12T08:27:00.001-07:00

Well I did it and I was able to get through it without completely loosing it. We went to visit our youngest Goddaughter yesterday. She is so stinking cute!!! She turned 1 in October, but she is about the size of a 9 month old. Both her parents are really short, so it's ok. Well during our visit her grandma from mom's side showed up. She knew I had been pregnant, but was unaware that I had lost Juanito. She said for as far along as you are you sure are not showing. I looked around quickly for a hole to climb into, but since there where none I had to face her and tell his story.

I did it and I survived. I tried so hard to pull myself out of it emotionally and use my nursing experience to tell the story. I stayed as technical/medical as I possibly could and tried not to get into the emotional side of it too much. That really helped. Although I felt very guilty afterwards. I know Juanito would not be mad. He knows how hard this is for me and he understands, but I couldn't help but feel bad that I couldn't cry and be more open about my feelings. The house was full of people and had I lost it in front of all of them it just wouldn't have been a good idea. So I buried my feelings and explained things like I would have to a patient or a co-worker.

I am very grateful for those 7 years I worked on Labor/Delivery and Mom/baby. I learned so much about how pregnancies and birth work. There is no guarantee in life. Things that are going so smoothly can change drastically. Babies that you would think will never make it pull through and do great. Life is such an unknown. Had I not had those 7 years I would have blamed myself for losing Juanito. I suffered 2 hemorrhages which caused my son to pass away, but with the knowledge I have I know there is nothing I could have done to cause or stop them.

We all have our ways of coping and dealing with things and I guess I have found mine. As Spring comes full board I will find myself having to explain the lack of a belly or newborn baby more and more. When Juan and I were married in the church in September we announced to all our family and friends that we were expecting. Since then we have sheltered ourselves and have only told those on a need-to-know basis. The next couple of months are going to be rough, but I know I have my sweet baby bot by my side holding my hand. He will help me through this.

Juanito's Plaque

2010-04-08T22:08:00.000-07:00

Well it's been ordered and should be here within a couple of weeks, just in time for Memorial Day. We haven't been able to do it so my sweet parents did it for us. They have been wanting to do something for Juan and I for awhile now, but I couldn't think of anything they could go other than listen to me when I need to talk. Then out of the blue my mom calls and says it has been ordered and we will have it in time to put up at the cemetery for Memorial Day. We are also planning on planting a tree in his honor at my parents house that same weekend.

Wow this makes it so real. Instead of having a newborn in my arms that weekend I will have a plaque to look at. Somehow it doesn't seem fair. Shouldn't it be my children placing flowers on my grave not me on theirs? This is so not right!!!

Quote..... Apology

2010-04-08T15:34:00.000-07:00

You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him.

I came across this quote today and wow it hit me. It is so true. I feel like I have been bad mouthing a person that can't defend himself, so I want to apologize for my last post. I didn't know where else I could go to vent and be safe. People can and do change. E has remarried, has another child and has held a steady job for a few years now. Something he did not do/have when we were together. I really hope he has changed for his wife and daughter's sake.

Frustration is a good word to describe how I feel about the whole situation. Unless you have been through it you can't see the hurt that is felt. I look into my son's eyes and I see the hurt and the why when E is mentioned. Dylan doesn't understand why he has never received a birthday or Christmas card. Why hasn't E tried to just let Dylan know that he does care about him. Dylan is such an amazing kid. He is my rock. He is a good big brother. He takes so much from his sister and now little brother with very little complaint. He takes such good care of me. He knows I am sick and he tries to help out around the house without being asked. He is a good student and very well liked by everyone. He attends the school I work at and not a day goes by that a fellow co-worker doesn't come to me and tell me how much they adore him. Who wouldn't want that for a son? Who could deny all that pureness, that goodness? That is why this is so hard for me. I see this amazing little boy and it kills me to think someone could hurt him. Our family has suffered the ultimate heartbreak and we are doing everything we can to survive and grow from losing Juanito. Again unless you have lost a child, you have no idea the heartbreak that accompanies that loss. I am on the defensive right now. I have to protect what I do have and I can't allow anyone to come into our lives and cause MY CHILD anymore heartache!!! Dylan has been through so much, he doesn't deserve anymore. Something that many do not know is Our daughter, Adriana has been a very sick little girl. She has had 27 hospitalization, 100's of ER visits, several surgeries, and many lost days due to home treatments. I also spent 10 weeks on bed rest during her pregnancy. Through all of this Dylan was shuffled around like a little puppy. He was so good through it all. He always bounced back and never gave us a moments trouble. That is the kind of boy E has given up. He walked away from the best thing he could have ever had in his life. And it is so hard to understand why. Nobody but me will ever know the hurt and heartache that Dylan and I have felt. Not even my husband can understand what we have been through. We are and always have been a team. I love him more than words can say. He is such an amazing person.

This is my little man! I love you more than words can say bud. I will fight for you till my last breath!!!

What am I getting myself in to?

2010-04-07T13:35:00.000-07:00

. My oldest son is adopted by my husband. I had him when I was 17. I was with his biological father (will call him E) for 4 years. I truly loved him and I thought we would be together forever. Well he made decisions that I did not approve of for our son and ultimately he cheated on me with more than one person. I was so young and nieve that I didn't see the signs. I just knew that I loved him and we could make it work. On top of that I had fallen head over heals in love with his family. They were so good to me and treated me like I had always been a part of their family. They were always so quick to help out with Dylan and they always took my side if E and I had a fight or were arguing over something. Well in the end I made the toughest decision of my life, well next to deciding to keep my son rather than place him for adoption, and I left. I cut most of the ties with my new family and I became a single mom. I managed to graduate college as a single mom and raise Dylan with little or no help from E. Child Support was scarce and I lived the best I could. During that time I had to have help from the government just to survive. Then I met Juan.........

Juan took to Dylan immediately and it was almost love at first sight. A few months after we were married Juan and I ran into E at the park. E tried to grab Dylan from his stroller and walk off with him while saying a few choice words at me. When Juan stepped in and said he had no right to treat me with disrespect. E responded with I had her first I can treat her however I want. Juan knew he couldn't say much about Dylan at that point, but I was HIS wife and no one was going to disrespect me. He put an end to it quickly. Juan lost all respect for E that day. About 4 years after Juan and I had been married E decided to terminate his rights. E hadn't hardly seen Dylan in that time and he was in a very bad place in his life. He made the most selfless act he had ever done and I can't even explain how that made me feel. Well about 6 months later Juan was able to adopt Dylan and I never had to worry again about my family being torn apart again. (Wow I am shaking so hard right now as I write this.) We have been one big happy family only having to worry about our own problems and needs. We knew we would never have to worry about sharing Dylan again.

Fast forward a few years. While celebrating the 4th of July with my family we were wondering the park and the kids were off playing games when we run into E and his new wife. He asks for Dylan and all I can say is he is with his cousin. Juan was furious at me. He felt like I needed to tell E off. E no longer had the right to ask for Dylan. He choose to give those up. Juan's protectiveness came full force and we just had to leave. We let E ruin a perfectly wonderful day yet again. Well we have run into E and his family a handful of times since. I still love his family very much. We have had 1 visitation with them a few years ago when E's parents came up from Mexico. I just adore his parents and I would do anything to give them and Dylan the opportunity to know each other. That went well. I felt kind of awkward, but I think that is to be expected. E was not there while I visited with his parents, so that helped. Before I get to the point of this blog I have to add that through all of this E has only once been the one to try and set up visitations. Every other time it was his brother or his aunts. E never put forth effort to see Dylan, but he was really good at making excuses.

Ok fast forward another few years and I suddenly get e message on myspace. It was E's wife. Not E, his wife! She wanted to be my friend so they could see Pictures of Dylan. I figured if I was in their position I would want to see pictures of my son too, so I agreed. She contacted me several times over the next few months but she started asking if they could see Dylan and at one point she contacted Dylan directly. That really upset Dylan. I started feeling very uncomfortable at that point. It was so hard to even know what to do. I prayed really hard and had not felt a strong feeling either way. So I decided to ask Juan. He immediately said No. Well that answered everything. So I just let things be. I kept getting messages here and there asking how Dylan was and how our family was. I would reply. I am not a mean person and I can't be rude to people. If I feel like they genuinely care I will be nice regardless of who they are.

Well a few weeks ago I got one of those messages and in it she told me that E's mom would be coming to visit in April and she would really like to see Dylan. Talk about having the air knocked out of you. It took me several minutes to catch my breath. I really wanted Dylan to see her, but that meant possibly having to see E and I was not sure Dylan was ready for that yet. I have been racking my brains on how I could arrange a meeting with grandma without having to see E and his wife, but there is no way around it. Since I have become more open and even talked to Dylan about it. Dylan would like to meet his Grandma and his half sister. He said he was very nervous about seeing E again and he did not want to meet E's wife. I respect that. Dylan is 12 years old and for the most part old enough to make these decisions. About 2 days ago I got a message that Grandma had arrived and she really wanted to see Dylan. Well there's another punch to the stomach. I was hoping I would have a little bit more time.

So yesterday when Juan got home I approched him. He was not happy, but he was willing to listen. He agrees that it is not grandmas fault, but he does not like the idea. I told him that Dylan was curious and I felt strongly that we needed to allow him the chance to see how he feels about it. So here I am freaking out because they are coming over tomorrow. E is respecting Dylan's feelings and not bringing his wife. I am so worried for my baby boy. As far as I got I love E for the wonderful gift he gave me, but that is were it ends. I am madly in love with Juan and we are happy. That is something I didn't get with E. I am perfectly fine from my stand point, but I am a wreck when it comes to Dylan. I don't want him to get hurt again. He is at such a hard age anyway. He is trying to discover himself and find the person he is going to be. He just doesn't need E coming back into his life only to hurt him again. I'm scared that Dylan will be left broken.

I also know E wants to talk to Juan and see if they can work things out. I don't think Juan will be very receptive and I worry about what will happen. Juan is finally grieving the loss of his son and he has said to me a few times he is worried he will hurt someone if they make him mad enough. He has a lot of built up anger and I worry he might release it all at once. I sure hope not. He is on antidepressants and he says that he is feeling better, so I will pray hard tonight that Juan can stay in control.

I am just so confused right now. By law E has not rights to Dylan, but Dylan is getting to the age where he can choose what he wants and he wants to see his sister and grandma. I can't completely deny that from him. I would be telling Dylan that his wants and needs are not important to me. So I will allow them to come tomorrow and pray that things work out the way they are supposed to. Who knows, maybe all Dylan needs is to see them once and his needs will be satisfied, but I'm afraid it's not going to be that easy.

OK there I put it out there for my friends and support to read. I am scared of what comments it may bring, but I am open to any and all suggestions. Anyone who has been in this type of situation or had a family member, what worked? I just don't know what to do!!!

**UDATE**

During this lOOONG post I forgot to add that my husband never knew his dad and he has no desire to either, but he does ask from time to time how many brothers/sisters he has. So he really does understand what Dylan is going through and what he will go through. The difference is that Dylan does have a wonderful dad who couldn't love him more!!!

It's going to be at least another 8 weeks....

2010-04-06T12:49:00.000-07:00

before we can start trying for our rainbow baby. I went to my post-op appointment today. I was hoping to schedule my surgery on my other ear today, but the doctor said although my left ear is healing perfectly and there are no signs of any infection, I have to wait 6-8 weeks to have the other side done. He wants tot make sure that my hearing was not affected. I understand that, but he needs to understand how desperate I am! He has no idea the emptiness I feel and how badly I want to start trying again. He just doesn't get it! So what am I doing.......... I'm sitting in bed torturing myself by watching women have babies on the Discovery Channel. I've decided today is a good day for a pity-party.

Finally the rest of the easter eggs

2010-04-06T09:28:00.000-07:00

Finally the rest of the eggs!!!! I think the memory card I had in my camera went bad, so I re-took the pics that wouldn't upload and add a few names. If you know someone who has lost an angel and their name is on one of the eggs PLEASE send then here. I want them to have this little gift from me!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter and you were able to find peace in your heart knowing that one day you will have the chance to hold your little one again. God is good!

Easter Eggs For Our Babies!!!

2010-04-04T15:12:00.001-07:00

If you don't see your little one's name in here please leave a comment and I will add it. Chances are it is on my camera and I just didn't get it uploaded to the blog. I hope everyone had a nice Easter and you were all able to find some peace in your heart on this amazing day.

Feel free to take any of the pictures to use for your personal picture galleries.

*UPDATE*

Ok my camera is being totally retarded. I am going to Walmart tomorrow to have the rest of the pictures put on a disk and then I will add them. I would have done it today, but my ear was giving me trouble and I had to stay down the majority of the day. Thanks for your patience.

Happy Easter- My gift to you.

2010-04-04T01:18:00.001-07:00

First of all I want to wish everyone a Very Happy Easter. What an amazing time of the year to remember our littles ones. Because Jesus died on the cross for our sins we will have the opportunity one day to be with our sweet babies. I am so thankful for my faith and beliefs. What an amazing God we have.

I had a great idea at about midnight that I want to photograph an easter egg for every mom of an angel I know. I went through my blogging list and wrote down around 80 names. We have baby chicks right now so I want to get a picture of each egg with one of the chicks. I should have started this project sooner, but me being the procrastinator I am had my epiphany in the middle of the night on Easter. So bare with me as I write the eggs and take the picture in between my naps. I'm still trying to recover from this surgery on my ear and the pressure from fluid building up has got the best of me. I will try to have the majority of the names up by tonight, but I will for sure have them done by Tuesday. If you do not see you baby's name on here PLEASE leave me a message and I will get it done. Nothing makes me happier right now than to see my sweet Juanito's name written creatively by others.

Ok let the name writing, picture taking and chicken poop cleaning (I've never seen an animal that poops more often than a chicken) begin.

I survived

2010-04-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

Tuesday was a very rough day for me, but I made it. We arrived at the hospital around noon and I got all checked in. I was really nercous for this surgery. I had never really had a serious surgery on my head before and I was really nervous for this particular one. There were so many things that could go wrong and leave me in a bad situation. Believe it or not I was also very vervous that my urine test would come back positve for being pregnant and I wouldn't be able to go through with tings. Of all things to have been nervous about that should have been the least of my worries. Thinking abot it now, I would have loved them coming back to me to tell me they couldn't proceed because we were going to have a baby....

Anyway that didn't happen, so we proceeded with the careful removal of infection from the air sacs in my mastoid bone. Surgery took about 2 hours. A little longer than the doctor expected, but he feels like he was able to get everything.As I was waking up in recovery I was hit by the most excruciating pain. I had never felt anything like it before in my life. I was also very disappointed. When I had tubes placed in my ears in January I woke up to my sweet little angel Juanito holding my hand. I so desperately wanted to see him again after this procedure, but he was not there. I only saw the blurred face of my nurse trying so hard to control my pain.

The pain did not ease and I was forced to spend the night on Med/Surg. I was really embarrassed. I felt like such a wimp. I cried out of shear embarrassment, then pain, then more embarrassment and so on. They gave me morphine every 2 hours through the night and then we moved to percocet 10's in the morning. The pain had finally subsided enough that I was discharged around 1:30 yesterday afternoon.

Today has been a little better, but I am still hurting more than I ever thought I would. I can deal with it though. I still need to go in and have the right side done. Once I do that we will be able to start trying again. I am so scared and nervous for what the future will hold for us, but I know that we will be ok and we can deal with anything that is thrown our way.

Offended

2010-03-31T15:34:00.000-07:00

The other day I was really struggling with losing Juanito when I read a post that another BL mom had written. I was trying to rationalize through things in my own head while responding to her post and apparently I really offended her. It was not my intentions, but I did it. I deleted my original response and tried to apologize the best I could to her in a second response. Well I went back today and found she had responded. I hope she has accepted my apology, but all I can do is sit here a cry. I hurt so much over the lose of my baby and the thought that I possibly increased the pain of another BL mom is more than I can handle right now. I truly am sorry. I never intended to say something you didn't want posted. But I do have to say that it has helped me in knowing the God has greater plans for us rather they be here on earth or in Heaven with Him. My son is safe. He does not have to face the trials here on earth that the rest of us do. I do not know why some parents are spared from this pain while others have to endure it over and over. Nobody does, but someday I will have all the answers and more. I just have to learn patience.

I would like to apologize to any fellow bloggers out there that I may have offended. Every response that I write comes from my heart. I would never say anything intentionally to hurt you. If I do it is all a misunderstanding!

I'm so sorry!!!

Check out this blog....

2010-03-29T23:30:00.001-07:00

HIDDEN BEAUTY

I do have to tell you that it is still under construction though. I went to school with the artist and let me tell you she is amazing. She is in the process of making a framed name for me to display with my family pictures that says Juanito. She goes out and photographs different "things" that are shaped like the letters of the alphabet and then makes frames with different sayings. She will work personally with you to capture the memory or feeling you want represented in the frame. If you choose to inquire just tell her the Michelle Averett Ramirez or Juanito's mom sent you. I promise you will not be sorry if you choose to have her make a personalized frame for you.

I saw this saddle with the rope and knew right away that it had to be the O in his name. I know with all my heart that he would have been his daddy's little cowboy. So I have decided to go with a western/cowboy theme. I can't wait to give it to Juan for our anniversary on May 5th!

Spring used to be my favorite time of year....

2010-03-27T11:02:00.000-07:00

and I hope that someday it will be again. Not this year though. Juanito's due date is quickly approaching and my nerves are slowly creeping up. I have never made it past 37 weeks pregnant, so that means at most I would have had 4 more weeks to go. I should be nesting right now and putting the finishing touches on everything. I should be washing baby clothes and double checking a carseat and crib. Making blankets with matching spit rags. I should be preparing my almost 3yr old for what is to come and talking to the 8 and 12 year olds about their growing responsibilities. Instead I am trying to explain to them (mostly the 3 year old) that the doctor didn't kill the baby. He helped mommy to deliver a baby that had died. We have packed up all the baby stuff and put it back into storage. We have taken everything baby out of our house. I just pray that we will be given one more chance to use our baby stuff and have that joy in our home again.

It hurts so much to see all this new life sprouting around me and all I was able to contribute was death! Juan brought home 10 baby chicks 2 days ago and we lost one yesterday. Death has cursed me. I can't find they joy in things like I used to.

Tuesday I go back under the knife to have the bone behind my left ear scraped. The infection is being so stubborn and antibiotics aren't touching it. It seems like misery has become my company. Well didn't it get the message that I don't like company to stay very long? Apparently not, cuz it won't leave.

Back to Spring. I hate Spring this year. I want it to fly by and Summer to get here fast. Although I am sure Summer will bring a whole load of different feelings. Hopefully some of them will be accompanying a pregnancy.

Kerry needs your prayers

2010-03-26T10:11:00.000-07:00

Prayers are greatly needed right now. Kerry is almost 24 weeks pregnant and is fighting with pre-eclampsia. She is not far from going into HELLP. Doctors have told her that there is little hope for her sweet little baby girl. She is in need of prayers right now!!! They are both in the fight of their lives!!!

I'm going to be busy..... Juanito's Wish is coming around

2010-03-24T07:04:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows that I am a 3rd grade school teacher at a local elementary here in Utah. We are a really close knit group and we are even good friends with regular substitutes. I was approached by one of our regular subs a couple of weeks ago and asked if I needed help with Juanito's Wish. I of course said yes without thinking twice. I had no idea what that yes was going to amount to. I assumed she was volunteering her services. Come to find out she is a stake camp director for girls camp this year and they need a humanitarian project that can be done in about 15-30 minutes. We are talking about 100's of girls. To fill you in, girl's camp is run by the LDS church. Girls from the ages 12-17 camp for about 3 days and learn basic survival skills and become closer to the Lord.

So back to the project.... I am in the process of compiling scripture verses, quotes and poems to put into a hope book. I am planning on putting these books in the memory boxes I make and donate.

I will have to have everything copied, cut, and ready for the girls to assemble. Each girl will make one book. Granted I do have a few months before this happens, but I am really nervous. I have never taken on a project this big by myself. I am so excited and blessed. The Lord knew I needed help, but I didn't realize it would be to this magnitude. I will have 100's of these books ready to donate to grieving families. Who know maybe Juanito's Wish is going to become a lot bigger than I ever expected.

So again I am asking for help in sending comforting words for families. I have a pretty good selection of bible verses, but I could always use more and I also need quotes and poems. Send them my way friends. The Lord knows I need all that I can get right now!!!

Finally...

2010-03-21T13:54:00.000-07:00

Exercise and I have found each other. These past few days I have been taking our 5 month old Husky mix out for walks. It has been a really nice break. I have had a couple of ankle surgeries the last year and a half, so I am taking it very slow. I just love the peace and quiet and the great company. We couldn't have chosen a better dog to add to our family. He is so calm and well behaved. He has these beautiful blue eyes and a really cool coat.

Ok so this is not the best picture of him, but I am sure glad we decided to add him to our family. He is a great walking partner and he doesn't ask too many questions. He just lets me walk and think. I this is something I think I am going to keep doing as long as the weather allows it.

A fresh start

2010-03-18T08:02:00.000-07:00

It's official . We have decided to put the house of the market and move. We both are from small towns and living in the city has finally got to us. I think it has taken us loosing Juanito to realize that life is so fragile and it can change in the blink of an eye. We want more for our kids. We want to give them opportunities that they won't have here. So the plan is that we will freshen up all the paint in the house and put it on the market. I don't see it selling for awhile, so I'm going to get 1 more year of teaching in and then we make the big move. We want to go down to Mexico for awhile and spend time with Juan's family. It has been 11 years since he has been home and it is time. He needs to spend some time with his grandma before it is too late. We also want the kids to live another culture. Their culture. See what life is like in other parts of the world. I have taken all 3 down there to meet the family and they loved it, but they have not lived it.

We then have decided to come and make our home in the town I grew up in. I am so excited to be able to make these transitions. I have always been afraid of what would happen if I left my job, but that's no more. I can't be afraid of the unknown. I just need to live life and give God the chance to show me the way. He is the only one who knows how thinks will turn out. I really feel at peace with this decision. I feel like it is what we are supposed to do. Life just has a way of taking control of itself and the less we fight the better it will be.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path. Proverbs 3:5-6

Thank Yous are coming...

2010-03-16T12:23:00.001-07:00

I have received so much support lately and I owe many of you a HUGE Thank You!!! We have been repainting our house getting it ready to sell. Between trying to get that ready and working on Juanito's wish project I haven't thanked anyone. Just know it is coming and it will be a very long post!

FOR NOW KNOW I AM SO THANKFUL FOR ALL THAT THIS BABYLOSS COMMUNITY HAS DONE FOR ME!!!

I love you guys!

Wow He really does work miracles

2010-03-12T13:35:00.001-08:00

So just after I got done writing my last post, I hope you don't assume anything by it, I just needed to vent. I have had some sweet friends show up to brighten my day. I had the parent of a student bring me a box of chocolates, a co-worker who had a baby in November and chose to stay home stopped by to give me some cuddle time with her sweet little guy and another friend who has had some hard trials brought me some homemade bread and quilt squares to donate the the afghan that is being made for my husband. Wow, God really does work miracles. It is just what I needed today. Nobody knows how badly I need friends to distract me right now. Thank you guys for being there for me.

Crushed

2010-03-12T09:03:00.000-08:00

I can't give details, but I feel as if my heart has been crushed again. I can't believe I allowed myself to get into this situation. What was I thinking? I mean who in their right mind would do this? Well I guess I wasn't in my right mind. I am an idiot! Stupid, Stupid me!!! Well I guess we reap what we sow.... right? Why did I even allow myself to be vulnerable? Oh wait, I lost a baby that's how. Worse part is I can't talk to anyone. Hatred is not a strong enough word to describe how I am feeling right now. Please God forgive me and allow me to find peace in my heart to go on. I don't think I have ever needed you more in my life than I do now. I am so sorry! I wish I could take it all back.

As a side note to those who read: No I have not done anything illegal.

Pity-Party

2010-03-10T12:07:00.000-08:00

OK my prayer request has now turned into a Pity-Party invitation. I've already had a few people volunteer to bring treats and movies...LOL I just have had a rough couple of days. I'm going through some hard feelings and I'm not sure how to interpret them. I attended the viewing of my friend's husband. I of course lost it and all I could do is bawl. I feel so bad for her and her sweet little girls. I feel as if the little pieces of my heart that I had managed to bandage back together have broken apart again.

I am also very angry! I don't think it is fair that I have to be so sick on top of trying to work through my loss. I am mad that I have to postpone trying for another baby again. I want to be able to do it on my own terms. Not schedule it around others. I guess ultimately it is up to God when I am blessed with another one. I am scared. I'm not sure of what, but I am feeling an overwhelming fear inside of me. I know I am scared of my upcoming surgery, but I sense it is more than that. I'm not sure where it is coming from. I just wish it would subside and allow me to move forward.

On top of all that Spring is right around the corner. I usually love Spring, but this year is so different. Don't get me wrong, I am so welcoming the sunshine and flowers, but I should also be welcoming a baby into our family too. I should be washing clothes, putting the finishing touches on the nursery and preparing myself for the many things that a new baby brings. Instead I am redoing a room with no purpose. I have no idea what color to paint the walls or even what decorations to put in it. I have an empty textured room with no ideas of what to do with it.

Well is that Pity-Party enough for you? I really could gone on, but I have griped enough for now. I am really hoping that God can help to bring me brighter days. I am in need of a break from this slump I have been in.